Here I Am

Hi you beautiful people!

I am well and continuing to heal! My blog is being continued in another…well blog!  You are welcome to follow me once again. But it is the real me.  I do not want to expose this dark and gross detailed part of my life to my real family and friends (only those required to tell for healing know) and so please shhhh about this blog, but please do join me!

You are strong, you are amazing and you can do anything.

trollsanddragons.wordpress.com   is the real me.

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In the End

At the end of it all good wins.

I hate to tell you, but I know how the story ends.  What story?  The story of this thing called life.  I understand that this world is full of other ideas about life and often times I feel as if I am alone in this walk, but I am most confident in my God.  He is a good God.  The only God.  I could be a very bad person and my good God still loves me.  I could make every mistake in the book, I could lie, cheat, steal, abandon my loved ones, heck I could murder and God would still love me and if I asked for forgiveness He would give it.  Why?  Because He is a good God.

At the end of it all I am going to Heaven.  I am not going to sit on a cloud playing a harp, God gave me purpose here, He has one for me there.  I am going to Heaven and it’s going to me amazing and fulfilling.  My ending is good.  Plain and simple I know my ending and have I mentioned it’s good?

For the world, my good God wins.  Good wins.

All my life I have been the good girl.  I never thought about it, it was just who I was and therefore what I did.  I didn’t steal, curse, drink, smoke, don’t know much of anything about drugs, I never had sex before marriage, the first boy I kissed was my husband to be.  It was just me.  If I made a mistake it haunted me for a very long time.  It wasn’t fear, it was me.  When I got to about 16 I began to passionately pursue my good God and knew He has good plans for me.

My life was easy.  It was easy to pursue God and be good because that’s just who I was.  I was connected to Him, wanted Him and enjoyed living my life without the hassle of regrets and knowing I wasn’t pleasing Him.  It was just the way I choose.  My choice.

It wasn’t until very recently that I have ever struggled with being the good in my life’s story.  I have had to purposefully think about what the good decision is and choose to do it.  I have never had this struggle before.  It was easy to ditch my friends because I didn’t like they way they cursed left and right or talked about stuff that I didn’t want my little girls talking about one day, so why would I?  Yes I know…I was a strange teenager.  It was easy to not talk at school when we weren’t supposed to.  To not smack the person that is talking crap about me behind my back.  To bite my tongue and refrain from saying words I would regret.  It was easy to do the good things.

Now I face very real struggles of damaging the person that damaged me and my children the most.  To keep my lips or texting fingers silent.  To not take various actions that will seriously harm that person (in which I cannot say because they have access to this blog).  It is difficult to not want to tear his girlfriend apart with the “real” story.  I purposefully have to choose to be the good guy.  To be the better person.  And this evening in the shower I was reminded why I now am choosing to be the good guy.

My husband left me and it’s ok.  My God will never leave me.  My husband left me and it’s ok.  My God will never leave me.  My God is everything I need.  My God passionately pursued me 2000 years ago when He died on the cross for me.  My God pursued me so much He died for me.  My God loves me.  My God loves me to death.  My God is the perfect Husband, the perfect Father, the perfect Lover.  He captures my heart with His love because He passionately pursues me.  He shows me what a true lover looks like.  And He fills that void until I find a man that loves me like God loves me.  Until I find a good man.  A man that also knows there is a good ending and chooses to live this life with that good ending in mind by my side.  Until then, I will choose to live a good life knowing that my good God has a good ending and there is no need to be the bad guy because at the end of it all it doesn’t matter.  Good wins.

Based on the look on his face tonight when his children face timed him talking about the day he got saved, as his girlfriend eves dropped, I am no longer sure he is on the good side.  Her ways may have swayed him.  I’m not sure how I would handle the day if he choose not to believe in God anymore.  For my kids sake that is devastating.  I don’t want anyone to go to hell.  Not him, not her.  In the end good wins.  I hope they are on that side.  God will deal with the emotions and feelings on that day we see each other.  After all the pain and grief they caused that is another choice I choose…I choose to wish them well.  I choose to not think harm to them.  I choose to hope they see the light and hook up with God.  It’s a hard choice.  So much wants to see them hurt for the hurt, stolen from the thievery, depressed from the depression caused, grieving from the grief, rage from the rage,  but that is not good.  I choose to be good.  At the end of this story good wins.

I will not turn to the dark side Vader…

 

2016!

We made it to 2016.

It never really felt significant coming up to it, but now that we are here I look ahead and think whoa…good riddance 2015.  That was a tough one.  Not the toughest…2014 was the toughest ever…2015 was second…therefore 2016 is only going to get better!

2015.  The year of shit.  Depression was battled most of the year.  Reality that my marriage was over came in 2015. Yesterday would have been our 8 year anniversary…3 of those anniversaries were unfaithful.   A fairly friendless year.  An incredibly lonely year.  The father of my children abandoned them, didn’t fight for them…gave them up %100.  My children did not see their father this whole entire year.  He did not call them for 6 months straight.  My tax return for them was stolen.  Not an ounce of child support was received.   My green card was given up. Job layed off, daycare lost.  Lies and betrayal and deceit and incredible anger and desperate sadness were in my year.  Tantrums, hurting children, incredible sickness in my children…strep throat at least 16 times this year, do you know how much antibiotics that is?  Putting my child under to have her tonsils and adenoids removed.  One of the hardest things I’ve done and doing it alone even harder.  Financial struggles, identity struggles, loss of passion, loss of hope, loss of motivation for anything at all.  Yes this year plain old sucked.  But it’s over.  2015 is over!

2015 is over but included good memories amidst the turmoil.

Cottage.  Not one picture was taken but it brings so many good memories…crawfish catching with the kids, fishing, bonfire, sparklers, hiking, finding an abandoned beach, kids kayaking…momma sinking the kayak!  makes me giggle.  We took a girls weekend shopping trip  which included spraying toilets that scared the bugs out of 4 (cracks me up still). I bought a debt free van!  We got our own home.  Our place that is all mine.   We found an amazing dance studio for 6.  2 amazing recitals.  A school that 6 is flourishing in.  Due to the loss of my job I was able to withdraw 4 from school and she is so much happier now.  She just wasn’t ready and that’s fine she has her whole life for it.  This brings me so much joy to have her home again.  Baby started walking and talking and is oober cute and 1!  We went to the zoo, animal farm, beaches, visited friends far away, were blessed so much, new tires, new computer battery and cord, the first bed frame I’ve head in 8 years, pretty much all the furniture in my house was given to me…I shouldn’t have made it in the worlds standards but God is good and I am still loved by those around me.  We’ve made it!  And we’ve made it good!  Thank you Jesus!

2015…we made it!

2016…is going to be good.  I’m going forward.  I am going to get a divorce.  I am going to meet someone better.  I am going to heal.  My children are going to heal.  I am going to find my passion for life again.  I am going to find my purpose again.  I am going to find what I am supposed to be doing with my life.  My way of providing.  My purpose.  I am going to find it and I am going to do it.  I am going to continue to take care of my babies. God knew what He was doing when He made me their momma!  And I am going to continue to be the best momma for them.  This year is going to be great.

He called the kids for the first time the day after Christmas…yes…the day after.  First time in 6 months.  They have talked 3 times since then.  The condition is that “she” is not to be seen or heard…I’m just not ready.  “She” spoke and he gave her the dirtiest look ever.  I thought, “man am I ever glad that that look is no longer directed at me!”  It’s freeing.  It was also the first time I saw him that I wasn’t attracted to him or his voice!  I’m glad we are out of that situation. Those looks, the pride, the way he used words that was quite like verbal abuse, and more.  I’m just glad that is in the past.  That I am not with him anymore and that he is away from them.  It is good.  It is good!

I am initiating change and moving forward!  Hello 2016!

It’s been an incredibly difficult week.

Ever feel pulled in a million directions?  Running your legs ragged but not getting anywhere?  Just digging in the dirt turning it into mud?  Ever feel like running away and hoping that will fix all your problems?

Yeah me too.

Finances are tight therefore my daycare has been reduced/eliminated.  It was only two days a week to begin with but I am going to miss the break.

Living with your parents…I love them to pieces but the struggle is very real people.

Friends?  What friends?  I lost my best friend over a year ago and I’m really missing talking to someone every day.  Literally no one to talk to every day. I have two great friends, but they aren’t every day friends…how do people survive without having someone to talk to every day?  Am I the only one this alone?

Figuring out how to ensure someone doesn’t file my tax return in another country…fun…stressful.

Starting a business.

I understand why people live off the government…it’s so easy to do.  I have a choice to live off the government and be a stay at home mom for now or go with the need for so much more and to fight the easy way and be better and get a job, but leave my dream of being a stay at home mom (yes I’m aware I just said the break was nice, but a stay at home mom with a team mate is different then alone) in the past. Choices.  Who am I and what do I want?

Christmas.

Alone at Christmas, yet trying to be thankful for those I do have.  Yet the crowds make me want to scream and cry and hide in a corner.  So many people, yet so alone, so hurt.

Lists a mile long and time running out. Trying to remember to embrace the time of year instead of rush by all the things that need to be done.  Christmas is a season not just a day.

Surgery.  Four is having her tonsils out in mid December.  Breaks my heart.  I know it happens all the time, but I don’t want to see my kid like that.  Her father knows nothing.  Her father doesn’t care.  How selfish.

My van doesn’t have heat when it sits idle…I live in the north… I need heat on idle.

My grandma is coming for a visit.  She is an amazing woman.  I wish she would just stay, but she is old and we wear her out.

My two oldest girls woke up with bites all over their bodies.  How horrible. 6 reacted and her bites are the size of golf balls…ok a little smaller.  They are sleeping in the living room until I can bomb their room.

I am not satisfied with church.

I feel unloved, I feel unfulfilled, I feel stressed, overwhelmed, alone, sad, stretched, broken.  I feel broken and I don’t know how to fix it.  I keep dreaming of a man.  A man isn’t going to fix my broken.  A friend isn’t going to fix my broken.  Time seems to not be fixing my broken.  I don’t know what will.  I suppose the answer is God.  I need Him more.

Well wasn’t that a depressing blog, maybe it’s a step to help me heal.

 

 

 

Tiger Stripes

So many times I run across a momma’s “tiger stripes” with something inspirational on it. They are all true, but most of the ones I see are just stripes on mom’s belly not the extra weight, the not so perfect curves, the indentations, the “extra” that just sits there now with no place to go.
It’s time to be real.

bellyfinal

Sliding Down

Life is going well.  I know it is bright, I know there is some sort of future.  I know I will be ok and my children will be ok.  Nothing dramatic has changed or happened. I’m working two days a week, work at the church one day a week, I help with service Sundays, chauffeur to dance and swimming.  Attend Bible study every week, and am starting a business in January.  I am fighting my way to freedom financially.  I will successfully provide for my children, myself and God.

Everything is fine, yet inside I’m not.  I can feel everything spinning out of control.  Last week, everything was in control, my hormones were on a high, my emotions were in proper place.  This week is another story.

Maybe it’s the fact that 4 has talked about daddy every day this week and every day says “I miss daddy.  I remember when…” then lists a million things she remembers doing that I don’t even remember.  Maybe she remembers or maybe she is using her imagination.  Either way…she misses her daddy.  I have no words to say anymore to that.

Maybe it’s the fact that 4 woke up in the middle of the night crying last night because she had a dream that her papa that we live with left her forever.  Then this morning she re-lived it, telling it to me again and had big crocodile tears coming down.  She is scared people are going to leave her.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s Christmas.  My favorite time ever.  I got through anniversaries, birthdays, important days with no repercussions emotionally, but Christmas this year…I have no hope of reconciliation.  I have no hope of having a family Christmas again like we used to have.  It’s gone.  Christmas was so special to me.  I had a nice collection of decorations that I worked hard at obtaining.  It’s gone.  He supposedly split it with me and dropped my portion off at his dads…ridiculous right?  I should get half his video games and tools then.

The stockings I diligently picked, the christmas ornaments he bought me that were so special, the ornaments the kids made me, a few decorations from when I was a kid, my awesome black wreath and tree skirt.  Not too much was special to me, but that was one.

And seriously, it’s so ahead of time that it’s ridiculous for me to even be thinking of this, but one day my kids are all going to be grown up and I could very well still be alone.  How freaking depressing.  There is a possibility that one Christmas I will be alone.  This saddens me to the point of tears.  I don’t want to be alone ever.

The house this year is going to be full, my kiddos, my parents, an aunt, two grandmas and my parent’s friends, a lovely couple.  Yet it’s the first year that I am truly alone on Christmas.  I don’t have someone to shop with, tell everything I buy the kids.  I don’t have someone to indulge my wrapping paper fetish.  I’m alone possibly forever.  For sure this Christmas.  It makes me so sad.

Maybe this out of control feeling has to do with all that or just the fact that I am 29 years old, have 4 children and still live with my parents.  I love them to pieces and am so incredibly thankful for them, but oy is all I’m going to say.  The need to finish our apartment and set up a makeshif kitchen is becoming pressing.

I went to 6’s parent teacher conference today.  They showed me a picture she drew of her family.  I was surprised.  It had sister and sister and brother and her and mommy and …daddy…in a suit with a briefcase.  I have seen her drawing of daddy like this before.  I am unsure where this comes from.  Maybe its a dream or whatever it may be called to be like the other kids who have daddies that go to work every day and wear suits and carry briefcases.  I wish I could provide that for her.

God never intended for us to do this thing called raising a family alone.  He made a human.  That human grows up.  Gets married.  Then makes more humans.  The get married part is first.  So that there is a team. So that there is a support that no other family member or friend can provide for the mother or father.  God intended for this to be a team process.  Thank God for grace though.  Even though it wasn’t His intention for my children to be raised this way He gives me grace to do it.  God cannot force my husband to be who God intended him to be, a father, but God won’t let go of my back either.  Yay Jesus.

So yeah I feel myself sliding off the good and stable state of mind, but I know I will make it through.  I will come out ok.  I will be ok and God has a way through it for me.  He will never let go and will never leave me.  I thank Him that my kids know this and will walk with Him every single day of their lives.  I’ll be ok.

How can I miss someone so much and dislike someone so much at the same time?  Maybe I miss something, not so much someone anymore.  Maybe that is it maybe it’s not.  I will make it through this.  I will be ok.

Not Sick Anymore

My husband cheated on me.

Actually he had a full out affair during our marriage and as we tried to reconcile.

December will mark the one year date of my eyes being opened to all of this.

I finally don’t barf in my mouth at the thought of him and her doing things together.  I passed by our meet-aversary without even a thought or twinge of sadness.

It’s almost a year since I realized that my marriage for quite some time was a sham.

I don’t hate him.  I don’t like him, but I don’t hate him.  Actually I probably still love him.  I forgive him.  He will forever live with the consequences of his actions.  He will forever remember the day he had his children and then didn’t.  The day he had me and the millions of ways he lost me.  I wish he would forgive himself, grow up, get his act together and live his life the way God wants him to.  Just because he messed up doesn’t mean God has taken back the gifts or the calling He has placed on my husbands life.  God doesn’t do take backs.

It’s that simple.  God doesn’t do take backs.  If He did He would have did a take back thousands of years ago when Eve took that first bite.  But God didn’t.

I am finding my happy place.  I am fighting for what I want.  It’s still lost in a maze, but I’m working on finding it.  I wish he would find it too.  Not just what he wants at the moment, but what his forever looks like.  I want him to find a woman that will push him to be a better man.  A woman that will better him, not drag him down because she knows nothing of putting others first or what real love is.  This life is not all about living for ourselves.  I wish she knew that and I wish he did too.

All I can do is continue to focus on myself (yes I just said it’s not all about me).  To grow, learn, develop, become stronger and yes happier.  I cannot be a blessing to the world as a helpless heap of a mess that hates life.  God made us to enjoy life.  He enjoys life, even the finer things in life and we are made like Him.  He didn’t make us to be miserable, He made us to have joy and be happy.

That is all for now as I realize I don’t feel sick thinking about them.  I feel sad for what they have done, but not disgusted, dirty, worthless or sick anymore.