Journal Entry

9 days after I was in a dark place.

September 6 2014

It’s quiet.  Very quiet.  The kids are all in bed.  I’m alone sitting in the living room.  Stuck in my thoughts.  I’m thankful friends can’t have affairs on you.  “Jill” bought me a book and always replies to my texts.  I can’t call you cause I want to.  Cause I just want to chat.  I can’t call you cause I miss your voice.  I can’t call you cause I want to yell and scream and hurt you.  I just can’t call you.  I’m not welcomed to and I can’t bring myself against the pain to do it.  Life is different.  I’m really hoping a counsellor can help me through this.

You are spending your time with another woman.  You are holding hands, hugging, kissing, texting, calling, eating with and having sex with another woman.  You were while you still lived with me and the kids.  you were while you still portrayed that you were moving here and you still are.  We are still married.  I hate to break it to you, but we are still in a legal binding contract and a spiritually binding covenant.  You failed me.

You failed me and you failed our kids.  Our child needs counseling.  You are clueless and you if you weren’t you wouldn’t understand.  You know how you’ve driven over things, thrown things, broken tables.  That’s your daughter right now. That’s your daughter.  Are you proud?  Are you ok with that?  Is that nothing to you?  It’s not to me.  You never got over it or outgrew it.  She will because I’m her mother, God’s her God and you aren’t influencing her anymore.

Did you also know that your crappy secret behavior caused your children to not physically grow?  The boy was in the 10th percent and our daughter never grew one size in a year.  In the past 4 months away from you they all have grown at least 2 clothes sizes and 10-15 pounds.  you did more damage then you will ever know.  More than you will ever know.

I can be having a good day and then like a wave uncontrollable thoughts hit and it hurts.  It stabs my heart.  You left me.  you cheated, you lied for years.  I put up with so much and I never should have rob ably should have left a while ago yet I fought.  I did everything I knew to be a good wife, but ultimately you weren’t looking for a treasure you were looking to please your flesh. It was all about you.  You lived the american dream and it was too much work, not fleshy enough for you.  You couldn’t get away from the other world.  You’ve been into porn for a long time.  Maybe you never left it.

Regardless you chose it over me and your four children.  3 that will probably not remember you.  One that has no remembrance of you and on who has never had you hold her, has never seen you or heard your voice.  With your level of responsibility she will probably never meet you.  Never.  That makes me sad.  If you say that you love them then provide, call, Skype, visit, dare I say fight for your marriage for your children’s sake. But I’ve given up hope.  You never will.  The other life is too enticing.  Your children will need a new father.  A good father.  It was hard enough finding you.  Now to wait all over.  To find someone who will choose me all over.  With all my new hurts, pains, insecurities, how am I supposed to have sex again after this?  With 4 children?  All I have is Jesus.  It’s back to Him I go.  I feel as if no one else could ever want me, yet I also find myself desperately trying to better myself.  Learning, growing, trying to look prettier, clean more, be more presentable.  Perhaps to make you jealous and perhaps to become the perfect spouse again.  To be destroyed again?  I hope not. I really hope not.

You have made me wary.  You have made me hate like I’ve never hated.  you have made me feel feelings I hope no one else has to ever feel.  You have turned my world upside down and I do dislike you for it.  I do hate you for it and I must forgive you for it every single day.  This sucks.  This sucks.

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