Journal Entry

As I update this blog with my current journey I will copy my written journal entries.  Here is the first one I ever wrote.  It was actually written 3 days before he revealed his lies in his email.  3 days before I found out he cheated on me.

August 25th 2014

It’s ok that it’s over.  It’s ok that it’s over.  I must keep reminding myself of this as each and every day my heart breaks for what we once had.  One…it’s over.  It’s over.  I really don’t think that there is anything I can do to fix it at this point.  There is nothing I can do to make him fall in love with me again or to want to be with me again.  There is nothing I can do to make him fall in love with God again.  There is nothing I can do to change the things he is doing wrong, to se him back on the right path.  Was he ever on the right path?  There is nothing I can do to make him a better dad, to want to be a better dad, to show him how.  There is nothing I can do to have him make new memories with our children.  There is nothing I can do.  Nothing but pray and hope and know that it’s ok.

It’s ok this happened.  It’s ok that he shoe it and that I chose not to give my heart back to him when he made no effort to communicate, compromise, change or pursue me again like a man should to a woman.  Like Christ does to the church.  It’s ok.  I made the right choice.  My children deserve a daddy who knows how to love them and gives them his all.  who puts God first, then his wife, then his kids then himself and others last.  Not himself first.  Video games are not more important.  Leaving your wife to discipline and then saying she isn’t good enough at it isn’t ok.  So it is ok that it’s over.  It’s ok that I said no.  No we can’t just forget that it happened, that you left me.  It’s ok that I demand a godly man return as head of this house.  It’s ok that it’s over.

Now it’s time to learn and believe God for strength and wisdom.  How do I raise these four children right?  How do I lighten this immense burden that has been placed upon them?  How do I discipline and show them my love?  How do I remember to show love when I’m angry?  How do I support when I see him in them?  How do I heal?  How do I grow?  How do I move on?  What do I do with the fact that he didn’t want another girl?  He’s never met her?  He left me alone to have a c-section.  How do I stop hating, stop missing, stop crying, just stop the emotions and move on?

Lord help me raise these kids, provide for these kids, teach these kids your ways.  Love the kids like You love me.  Help them through this time and the rest of life.  Lord teach me to be faithful to you.  Show me where to put my finances.  Show me which doors to go through.  Give me the words to speak to him.  To bring heating to him and myself.  He is hurting and in return he is hurting us and those that truly love him.  Every time I miss him or hurt for him I also get angry and hate him.  He left us, he’s doing things he shouldn’t be doing and he has done things he shouldn’t have done.  If this marriage is over Lord please cut the cord swiftly and gently.  Nor rips or tears, no fighting, no more hurting.  Just gentle and easy please.  Help us to both move on and heal our hearts.

Teach me Lord, correct me Lord and grow me Lord.  Show me my mistakes so if I ever get a second chance I can do better and it will last and succeed more than 6 years.

6 years of my life.  That’s quite the adventure.  6 good years.  Marrying him was not a mistake.  What God has joined together let no man separate.  That’s how it was supposed to be.  But choices were made.  God gave us choice and choices bring us down certain paths.  But it’s ok it’s over.

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