Disposable Family

Sometimes I want to yell, scream, curse and kick.

But I refuse to not be a lady although sometimes it escapes me.

Tonight I am totally irked that you have me/us on a schedule.

Monday to Friday 6am to 4pm are our hours.  Every other Friday off.

We were having a conversation about your children’s christmas that I know if you don’t start preparing now you will wait until the last minute and considering the physical distance between us it will not arrive before Christmas 2015.

Literally 4:30 pm Friday afternoon you just dropped our conversation.  Nothing after that even though our conversation was still in the air.  If your children called you, you wouldn’t answer.

How seriously irritating.  Seriously is a good filler for a curse word.  I’m not sure it’s any better if it’s intention is a curse word, but it makes me feel slightly better.  I also still want to punch something.  I need a heavy bag.  Oh wait you got me one once for mothers day.  We worked out together around it.  We were going to work out together here.  You failed (again).

I’m really hating on you today.  I need to forgive you again.  I really don’t want to.  You hurt me and you hurt the kids.  You chose not to be married.

Does she even know you have kids?  You just told her about me 4 weeks ago.  You just drop us on her time.  Your drinking time.  Your porno time.  You just drop us for her.  A disposable family.  Why do I even talk to you.  You just called to say hi…that’s balogna.  I’m so stupid for being nice to you is what the world is saying, what I feel like.  Why do I let you use me at your convenience.

You say you are proud of your daughter.  She will never know.  Did you even talk to them this week?  If you called more often they would be more prone to want to talk to you.  If you stopped being lazy and figured out a way to Skype they would be more prone to talk to you.  If it’s because you are hiding “her” guess what buttercup they already know.  The first words out of your daughters mouth when I had to tell her we weren’t going to be married anymore was, “who does daddy like now?”  They aren’t stupid, they can sense things and know things.  Call.  Skype.  By George you could even have some what of a relationship.

I can’t believe you cheated on me.  What kind of crap is that.  Not only you cheated but you aren’t even repentant.  You’re not even sorry.  You don’t even care that your four children are fatherless and I am not a single mother.  Do you have any idea how hard that is?

Walking in the mall with my double stroller, a child holding the handle and a child wrapped around my body people always say “your busy!”  Yes Yes I know I’m busy and you have no idea how stinking much as I don’t have a teammate.  Mine abandoned us.  They have no idea and it wasn’t my choice, I was married when I had them all.  I’m a single mom and they are my responsibility with no one to share it with.  I care, clean, support, provide for them one hundred percent of the time.  Where are you?  Drinking, eating out, doing yourself, doing her and playing video games.  Yes I’m too good for you.  We are too good for you at this point in your life.  As your daughter said “If daddy wanted to be your husband again it would be good.”  Yes it would be good.  Straighten yourself out and be the man God called you to be.

He called you to be something big, something great. Something the devil is afraid of.  He called you to be a man.  A godly man.  A man of substance.  A man of respect and love.  A man that is there for his children.  He called you to be something great.  He called you to be my husband.  You are called to be my husband.  Not hers.  Mine.  Get a kick in the balls and straighten up.

Regardless I will try my darndest to stay straight.  So I forgive you once again.  I forgive you.  Atleast the days aren’t so dark lately.  It’s good to have some light at the end of the tunnel.  It’s good not to be in such a fog all the time.  Not to have such anger.  Yeah my head still isn’t on straight but it’s getting better.  Grief is a tough hurtle to get over.  I’m sure a divorce isn’t as grievous as a close death but it’s got some of the same qualities.  It’s tough but God is a big God and is helping me through.

As I forgive you again today I will remember some good things.  You aren’t such a terrible person it’s just hard to remember that sometimes.  Your sweet and charming voice, your goatee you once had, your beautiful eyes, your rough hands cupping my face, lying in bed with our foreheads together smelling your sweetness, your soft lips, you giving the girls a slime bath, watching you show your daughter to shoot, and letting her lay on you in the morning.

It’s hard to remember the good things you had with your children.  It shouldn’t be so.  Don’t you want a second chance to have every moment be a good one?

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