Confidence

A broken marriage sure can drain every once of confidence that you once had.

I didn’t have too much to begin with anymore.

I was overly dependent on him.  To a fault.  Lesson learned.

Happiness is dependent on myself.

Independence, happiness, confidence.  Those are all part of the Proverbs 31 woman.  It’s a slow process but I’m working on it.

I can make decisions all on my own. Little and large.  I don’t have to ask my husband.  Purchases are all my own choice.  I don’t have to think about what else may come out of the account as no one else is spending anymore.  My saving choices are all my own.  My spending choices are all my own.  Confidence is needed in my choices and ability.  Weird concept to think about.

I need confidence in my parenting and discipline of my children.  There is no husband backing me up and to give input.

I need confidence in deciding Christmas presents.  I can make any friends.  I can hang out whenever I want.  I can do whatever I want.  This is so weird.

My back up, team mate is gone and I’m running this race on my own.  It requires a new confidence and more than I ever had.  It’s weird having all these choices as all mine again.

Not just choices but having confidence in who I am is hard.

I feel ugly.  Not only did I just have a baby but I’ve had 3 other babies and multiple miscarriages in the past 6 years.  My body is destroyed.  How am I supposed to be confident in this skin especially since the only person I could count on ditched me for something better.

She did things I didn’t want to do, when I didn’t want to do them and she lets you fantasize inappropriately (or is unaware of it).

I feel dirty.  Very dirty.  Will that ever go away?  I hope so because it’s gross.  I hate it.  I’ve waited my whole life for you.  Enjoyed the gift of waiting for 7 years and now I feel dirty.  I chose my path in life so I wouldn’t ever have to feel gross or dirty, yet I ended up feeling it anyway.  Why?  Why did this happen to me?

I know that answer.  Because there is a stupid devil in the world and people have choices to choose to listen to him or God.  I know the answer and it sucks.

Dirty, ugly, unconfident.  Yeah.  I feel kind of destroyed.  Kind of torn apart.  Kind of crushed, ripped, stomped on, rubbed in the dirt and filthy.  I feel like I’m constantly running trying to catch up with this life that has thrown me around yet I keep falling on the concrete scraping my knees, hands and face planting.  I get up and trip all over again.  I feel like I just can’t stand.  Maybe I should just start crawling.  But I want to stand.  Maybe I should just try to stand and get a grip on myself and heal before I start trying to walk again and then maybe I can think about running and skipping.  Yes that is a good idea.

This is a good verse.

“The Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings for you people who fear my name. You will go out and leap like calves let out of a stall.” Malachi 4:2

Jesus is my answer.  He has healing for me in Him and then I will be able run and leap.  So good.

Jesus you are literally my only hope.  It should have always been this way, but now I understand even more. You are my only hope for healing.  I can’t do it on my own and no one else can do it for me.  Jesus

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