I’m not sure what to write today.
So many thoughts.
I miss driving with you. I miss holding your hand in the car. Talking to you in the car. I miss getting our load of children out together. I miss seeing you hold their hands, carrying their carseats, checking out your booty. I miss you.
You called today again. I asked why. You said just to talk. I said that’s very confusing. You get my hopes up. You said you can’t say you hate me and you can’t say you love me. What is that supposed to mean? I said you do know I forgive you right? You said you don’t forgive yourself. I said I don’t know why but if you ever decided to change I would take you back. You said I know.
It doesn’t get more confusing than that.
You said you didn’t get an apartment with “her.” I’m not sure I believe it but all I can do is believe it. Like our whole relationship. That sure screwed me over.
My thoughts…I miss you, I miss your face. I liked talking to you and hearing your voice. Yet I hate thinking of her. I hate thinking of what the two of you did. I hate wondering if you are still with her.
Can you stop confusing me? It would be greatly appreciated.
I don’t know what else to say. I don’t feel so angry today. I don’t feel so sad. I feel alone. I feel hollow. I feel empty. I guess that’s like sad. Mostly just empty and alone.
My purpose that I used to live for is gone. I’m not going to do errands and thinking of getting you a surprise. I’m not coming home to cook you your favorite meal. I’m not planning secret surprises with your children. I don’t clean for you anymore. So many things that I used to do are different. The reasons I used to do things are no longer there. It’s hard to change my focus.
I want someone to hold me, tell me they love me, encourage me. I have to rely on God now. He’s going to have to fill that void. He’s going to have to be the one I’m intimate with. How do I let Him do that? How in the beans does that work after I’ve had that place filled with someone else?
I feel kind of empty. Why did you call? Do you feel empty too?
“God’s not dead He’s surely alive. Living on the inside roaring like a lion.”
I wish I could record your three year old singing that song. She sings with such vim and vigor and assuredness. I love that girl. God’s not dead.