Thoughtless

I’m not sure what to write today.

So many thoughts.

I miss driving with you.  I miss holding your hand in the car.  Talking to you in the car.  I miss getting our load of children out together.  I miss seeing you hold their hands, carrying their carseats, checking out your booty.  I miss you.

You called today again.  I asked why.  You said just to talk.  I said that’s very confusing.  You get my hopes up.  You said you can’t say you hate me and you can’t say you love me.  What is that supposed to mean?   I said you do know I forgive you right?  You said you don’t forgive yourself.  I said I don’t know why but if you ever decided to change I would take you back.  You said I know.

It doesn’t get more confusing than that.

You said you didn’t get an apartment with “her.”  I’m not sure I believe it but all I can do is believe it.  Like our whole relationship.  That sure screwed me over.

My thoughts…I  miss you, I miss your face.  I liked talking to you and hearing your voice.  Yet I hate thinking of her.  I hate thinking of what the two of you did.  I hate wondering if you are still with her.

Can you stop confusing me?  It would be greatly appreciated.

I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t feel so angry today.  I don’t feel so sad.  I feel alone.  I feel hollow.  I feel empty.  I guess that’s like sad.  Mostly just empty and alone.

My purpose that I used to live for is gone.  I’m not going to do errands and thinking of getting you a surprise.  I’m not coming home to cook you your favorite meal.  I’m not planning secret surprises with your children.  I don’t clean for you anymore.  So many things that I used to do are different.  The reasons I used to do things are no longer there.  It’s hard to change my focus.

I want someone to hold me, tell me they love me, encourage me.  I have to rely on God now.  He’s going to have to fill that void.  He’s going to have to be the one I’m intimate with.  How do I let Him do that?  How in the beans does that work after I’ve had that place filled with someone else?

I feel kind of empty.  Why did you call?  Do you feel empty too?

“God’s not dead He’s surely alive.  Living on the inside roaring like a lion.”

I wish I could record your three year old singing that song.  She sings with such vim and vigor and assuredness.   I love that girl.  God’s not dead.