Vivid

I had two very vivid thoughts of you today.

I am still dealing with the ramifications of the emotions brought on by these memories/thoughts.

One.  You very rarely took a kid to help lighten my load.  If you were going out you left them with me.  If I was going out you often sent them with me.  Dance, errands, church.  My load was not very often lightened.  Near the end you did, but for most of our relationship it was all me.  The cart full of kids while you did your own thing.  Thanks.

The other picture I couldn’t get out of my mind was you making out with another woman.  It disgusts me so much. Our moments of intimacy destroyed.  Intimacy was supposed to be between you and me only.

Unfortunately these thoughts brought me down this evening.  The beginning of the day was successful and productive and loving.  The second half was dark.

It’s hard to hide my grief from the kids sometimes.  They don’t need to bear my grief and my burden.  I love them.  That’s all they need to know right now, sunglasses and blasting David Crowder hide my tears well.

I’m exhausted.  The kids are exhausted, which makes me even more exhausted.

Are you going to let me go or are you going to keep holding on?  If we are going to talk more often can you at least ditch her?  Have you ditched her?  I feel choked.  I feel confused.  Why haven’t you divorced me?  You pushed me so far away yet we are still technically married.  We are separated, but you still want to talk.  Your lonely I suppose.  I may the one person you’ve actually kept a long distance relationship with.  I’m confused.

My whole life feels….I don’t know what it feels.   I guess like I said yesterday or was it this morning …face planted on the concrete…can you see the scrapes?  Can I get out of this mess somehow?

Lord my Savior You saved me from my sins and that was the most impossible thing ever so you can save me from this mess too.  Give me strength.  Give me your unending strength.  Give me your grace, your mercy, favor and love.  Tonight I need your strength the most God.  Wrap your strong arms around me and be that strength for me.  Amen.  

2 thoughts on “Vivid

  1. I’ve been reading your blog and my heart breaks for you. But I want to let you know you ARE a brave, strong woman and even though I don’t know you. You are a beautiful person! The universe always balances everything out. You can do this. And you will learn from this and so will your children. Mentally sending strong energy your way.

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