What Does No Mean?

You called three days in a row.  You don’t call for two days.

So unstable.  What am I supposed to think?

Are you still with that “thing?”  The woman you defended?

I sure hope not.

Last night I couldn’t help but keep thinking what would I do if you wanted to stay together.  What would I do?  What would happen if you did come?  Would you ditch everything and start over?  How could we help you?  I just couldn’t stop thinking about this and then she came back into my mind and I got disgusted again.  Felt filthy again and hated you again and wanted nothing to do with you.  Then I would go back to my initial thought.  It’s a vicious cycle.

I had your sister send you the watch she had of yours.  The orange Invicta that I had bought you as your first Christmas present.  Our first Christmas together.  The one that I ditched my family to meet yours.  The one that you proposed to me at and a week later got married.  It should arrive tomorrow.

When I texted you to tell you that you should have a package arriving tomorrow you asked what it was.  Then you asked is it divorce papers?

I asked, “is that what you want?”

You said…”no”

What the heck!  You said no.  No you don’t want a divorce.

Well what in the world do you want?! You clearly don’t want me.  I am so devistatingly confused.  I just wanted to sit there and weep.  Yet once again I had to be strong in front of the children.  Your children.  Our children.

What do you want?  You pushed me away so much.  You blamed all our problems on me.  You left me.  You abandoned me.  You chose not to support me.  You lied over and over again.

Why?  Why did you hurt me so bad?

After all that.  After I let you go.  After I said maybe it’s better without you.  You say you don’t want a divorce.

What do you want then?

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