Roller Coaster Ride

I don’t know where to start.

I’m such an idiot.  Such an idiot.

I want this so bad.  I want freedom.  I want life.  I want a marriage that doesn’t fail.

I can have freedom and a life without you.  I can also have it with a husband.  A husband that loves God first.  A husband who loves me and the kids.  Then everyone else and then himself last.  You have never really been able to do this even when we were married.  But as I said in my last blog I always seem to have hope even when I really shouldn’t.  I for some reason always believe in miracles, even when it hurts me to believe.

I gave up on you completely.  I gave up.  I finally got that you chose her.  I was done.  Sister wives is not ok with me.  Cheating, lying, and living the way you’ve been living is not ok with me.

I got a text today, while out providing for my children.  Getting help to enroll them in extra curricular activities.   In the text it said you apologized yet again.  You ruined my life, the kids and were in the process of ruining hers (whatever that means).  You said you couldn’t change it.

I replied.  I know.  I didn’t expect you to actually come or make a change.  I’m going to legal aid to get a divorce this week and I expect to be able to do what we need to do with ease and no complications.  And to decide on what you were going to do financially so I can can the paperwork done.

A few seconds later I got a call.

I’m not sure I’ve heard you as upset as you were today.  Real grief.  That was a surprise.  I really didn’t think you cared.

“Just give me some time please, give me some time.”

Long story short.  You begged for more time.  To hold off on the divorce.  I told you having another woman was not ok with me. I said you have till April when our lease is up to decide what you are going to do.  I also said I don’t want to talk to you while you are with her.  I don’t want to talk to you at all.

We discussed what needed to be done for you tome.  It’s quite simple really.  The hard part is will you turn back to God and let Him guide your decisions.  How are you going to get un-addicted to porno and alcohol?  How are you going to change on the inside?  I’m not worried about the outside things.  What about the inside?  Your children need a father.  Not a selfish bachelor.

I want to believe that you will get your act together.  I want to believe that you will show up on our doorstep.  I want to believe that my children will have you as their father again.  A good one.  It’s pointless and we will be worse off if you show up unwilling to do everything necessary to follow God.

If it’s not a change of heart it’s not going to happen.  I would like to believe that you will allow your heart to change and then let it change you from the inside out, but I can’t let my heart get hurt again (it’s inventible).  I can’t get my hopes up.  I must not talk to you.  I must pull my big girl panties on and be a grown up and keep living as if there is no hope.

Yet I want to plan a wedding.  I want to plan all the details of you coming back.  I want to dream about the things we can do together.  I want to find us a counselor.  I want to find date spots.  I want to dream.

But it’s quite possible you are telling her the exact same thing.  It’s quite possible you are playing with me yet again.  It’s quite possible that the lies haven’t stopped.  It’s quite possible that you will change your mind again.  It’s possible that nothing will happen.  That you will not fall back in love with me.  That you won’t show up at our doorstep.  It’s very very possible.  I hate the doubt but that’s what I have to live in.

I can’t keep riding this roller coaster ride.  It’s destroying me.  I am in so many pieces and if by some miracle you do make it to the door are you able to patiently pick up all my pieces or are you going to give up on me again?  Abandon me again?  Can this all be fixed?  Can you be the man God called you to be?  I know you can, I suppose the question is will you?

Right now you are still there.  You are still with her.  That’s that.  I am alone.  I am a mother.  I can do this and one day I will be fixed and someone will love me again.

Roller coasters.

Thank you Lord for my husband.  Thank you for keeping him safe.  For guiding him and surrounding him with yourself.   Thank you Lord for your strength.  Your hope.  Your peace. Thank you Lord for your wisdom.  The world says I should just leave now.  I’m not sure what you say other than love is patient.  Thank you Lord for patience.  Thank you Lord that I am lovable.  You see me as beautiful.  Thank you Lord for intimacy.  I love you. Amen

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