Hopeless Hope

What am I supposed to do?

My hope soars.  I’m happy.  Yet I know it will more than likely bring me pain.

I’m still on wife number one’s hours.

I need to stop conversing with you.  I really need to.

As I said in the last blog I’m an idiot.  I want to believe the best in you, but it’s hard.  I’ve been hurt so many times and I’m still on your hours.  It makes me so angry.

It would bring me so much joy if you got to meet your daughter.  If your son knew who you were.

It would bring me so much pain if you came back the way you are now.

You said by the middle of the week you get an incredible sense of sadness.  One were you just want to crawl in a ball and cry.

I know that feeling.  I feel it every single day.

You sounded so adamant when you talked to me.  You cried when you talked about a certain obstacle keeping you from coming.  Yet I still see very little change.

You are trying to help with the search of a vehicle.  You are asking how much I need.  Yet the conversation still stops half way through.  So stupid.  You have some concern about providing, but I’m still treated like crap.

Now is when I want to curl in a ball and cry.  I just wish it were all over.  I wish we were either done or things were more on the positive side.  I hate this.

Why do I have hope when it feels so hopeless.

Can you please come and get your newborn to sleep?  Can you give me all your attention?  Will I ever feel beautiful again?  It’s a heart issue.  Lots of things are heart issues.  I don’t feel beautiful.  I don’t feel of worth.  I don’t feel special.  I don’t feel pretty.  So I treat myself like that.  As I eat endless amounts of cookies to deal with all these emotions.

So many heart issues.

Dear Lord heal our hearts.  Make our hearts whole.  Bring love into our hearts.  Wether our relationship makes it or not, heal us.  I forgive him for not putting me first.  I forgive him.  Help me to forgive him.  Teach my heart to forgive.  In Jesus name amen.  

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