Immense Fear

I just want to weep.  I just want to cry till there are no more tears.  Wash the stress away.  Relieve the pressure in my chest.  I just want to kick and scream.  To hit something.  To pull my hair out.  To hide.

My hope is soaring.

Yet my faith is little, almost non-existant.

And most of all am I ready for it if he does come back? Am I really ready for this?  Would I survive the influx of emotions and memories that I would feel?  Would I be able to contain my anger when it hit?  Would I be able to restrain the leaps in my heart of love?  Would I be able to contain the overwhelming sadness that would come?

Would I let the little things slide and get back into the hole that we started from?  Would I let him stay, would I remain if the lies still existed, if God wasn’t number one, if I wasn’t pursued, if I wasn’t treated like a queen, if the children weren’t put above himself.  Would I stay or would I have the guts to go.  It scares the poop out of me cause I know that the odds are not in my favor.  I would probably cave.  This is a bad bad cycle to be in.  A bad place to be in.  I pray so desperately that I am protected and brave and strong and that he choses the right thing for not only himself but for the kids and I.

I hope so bad that I don’t get hurt again, that they don’t get hurt again.

That I don’t get a phone call tomorrow saying, “I can’t do it”, “I lied”, “I chose her forever”.  That he doesn’t get here and is the same person.  I can’t do that.  Just thinking about it makes we want to barf.  Just thinking about it makes me want to smash my head against a wall.  I can’t do that again.  I can’t.

It would be so much easier to quit.  To get a divorce.  To be free.  It would still be a battle.  A journey.  But it would be a different one.  An easier one.  Much easier.  But easier isn’t always better.  Easier often isn’t better.  To get the best you often have to work the hardest.

I could say I cleaned and just tidy the house or I could say I cleaned and sweep, mop, wipe the walls, dust every nook and cranny.  The second is better, but harder to get.

God says to forgive infinitely.  God says love is patient.  God says love doesn’t give up.  God says in the end there is faith hope and love.  The greatest is love.  But it’s scarier than seeing my child walk around with their potty full of crap.  It’s scary.  It’s a huge chance.  A huge risk I am taking for myself and for my family.  If it works out it will be the best choice I could have made. If it fails it will be the worst mistake of my life.

Dear Lord help me.  Please don’t let my husband fail me again.  Atleast the kids aren’t at risk as long as he is not here for now. If he shows up, their hearts are at risk all over again.  They know nothing about him thinking about coming back.  They don’t know mommy and daddy have a chance at staying married.  They don’t know he asked for his resume to be emailed to him.  They don’t know there is hope.  They are safe where they are.  Processing the fact that he isn’t here and isn’t coming.  I can’t risk breaking their heart all over again.   They are safe for now.

Please keep our hearts safe Lord.  You love us more than anyone else.  

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