Drowning

Peace.   I need peace so bad right now.  This song brings me peace.  I feel like I’m drowning.  Absolutely drowning.  My body, my face everything is underwater.  My chest is squeezed tight, my lungs are burning, my heart is pounding in great fear, my eyes see nothing but the dark abyss, my ears hear nothing but muffled sounds…i’m drowning and I don’t know how to swim.

I have so much anger.  So much hate.  So much fear. I feel like it’s killing me.

My gut, my instincts are going crazy.

They say I’m an idiot.  I’m an idiot for waiting for you, for believing in you, for being patient.  They say I’m an idiot.

Today it was hard to see any hope.  Any light.

I need more Jesus.  He’s truly the only one that can save me.  He’s the only one that can heal.  The only one that can do anything in our lives.

I want to believe.

I can just see you worshiping.  One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.  Your eyes closed, your hands stretched wide, your voice sweet,  all of you in abandon to God.  It is seriously one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen.   One of the reasons I fell in love with you.   The hope to hear you sing again, to see you worship again, to worship with you again may be the only thing that keeps me going at this moment.

I thank God for this picture.  A few moments ago I wasn’t sure if I could wait for you.  I wasn’t sure if I could stay for the slight chance that things might work, but the hope of seeing you worship our God again has given me a little more peace, a smidge of hope.

Maybe we’ll be able to dance in the car again.  Maybe we’ll be able to dance in the kitchen again.  Maybe I’ll see you dance with your little princesses and prince again.  Maybe I’ll see you dance with your youngest whom you’ve never seen.  Maybe you and I will be able to have a slow dance one day, I don’t care where, just you and me.  Maybe we’ll be able to dance at a wedding reception that we never had nearly 7 years ago.  Maybe.  This hope makes me drown even more, but in tears.  Good tears.  Those don’t happen too much.

Maybe things will be different.  Maybe you will step up.  Maybe you will be the man God called you to be.  Be the man I know you can be.  Maybe you will leave her.  Maybe you will chose me.  Maybe we will be able to work out our differences.  Maybe I will be your queen and you will be my king.  Maybe things will be good.  Maybe.  Maybe.  Just maybe.

God can do anything.  He is a big God.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders”

Prove to me I can trust you again.  I don’t want to hear my daughter say she misses you anymore.  I don’t want to hear her say she doesn’t want to talk to you.  I don’t want to have to answer why you don’t want to be my husband anymore.  I don’t want to have to explain choices anymore, your choices.  I don’t want to have explain how some people don’t know how much Jesus loves them, how some people don’t always do the right thing.  I don’t want to have to do this anymore.   I don’t want to have to keep the tears back as we discuss these things.  “I really miss daddy.  Why doesn’t he want to be your husband anymore?”  So much heartbreak.  Lord heal us.  Heal my children’s wounds.  My husbands wounds and my wounds.  Bring your healing and peace to us all.  

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