Exhausted

I want a relationship.  I want a good relationship, a great one.  One where we know how to have real conversations.  One where there are no secrets.  One where there is no lying.  One where there is unlimited trust.  One where love is unconditional.  One where excuses are not made, where blame is not given.

I want to be held, loved, encouraged, built up.  I want to be able to give myself wholly into something worthy of my love.

But I want it now.

I’m so tired of waiting.

You are making some effort.  I can’t promise I’ll ever think it’s good enough…that sucks.  I can promise right now that it’s not good enough because you still haven’t stepped up your game and did the hard deed for your children and wife.  If you can’t do it I’m not sure our relationship is worth the wait.

Life is exhausting.  Physically being the sole provider, being the only parent to four children is physically exhausting.  Emotionally and mentally being a parent even just a human being is exhausting, but add onto it the events of the last few months and it’s draining. The sadness, the anger, the confusion, the frustration, the missing, the images, thoughts, memories, triggers, the hate, the rage, the dreams, the smiling when I don’t want to.   I’ve got nothing left.  Mentally I’m just here.  I just want to curl up in bed and cry and sleep the day away.    When will the rest come?  When will the peace come?

I suppose I’m not helping it by not reading the Word more or worshiping or having more Jesus time.  I suppose that would help.

Lord give me a hunger for more of you.  Keep pursuing my husband.  Don’t give up on him like I feel i have.  Lord give me not only strength to get through what comes my way but endurance for this seemingly very long season of my life.  Lord help me.  I cannot do this on my own.  I just want to give up sometimes.  Give me wisdom and guidance and endurance, patience, energy and a Christ-like love.  Thank you for never leaving me and being with me always. Always.   Amen.

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