Dead Inside

I texted and asked if you had done the deed.  Otherwise known as left your girlfriend.

No reply yet.  My guess is no.

I really can’t do this anymore.  I feel dead inside.

I want to be loved again.  I want to feel of worth again.

A man can’t do that.  How do I get my head in the right place, my heart in the right place to let God be that person.  To let God be that person.  He gives me worth.  He is my lover.  No man can truly fulfill my needs.

I deserve better.  You know it.  I wish you would do it.

I deserve the best.  I deserve a man who loves only me.  I hate that you cheated.  I hate that you had eyes for another woman.  I hate.

I deserve the best and you still aren’t being it.

Are you ever going to be it?  Right now you aren’t.

I have every right to divorce you.  Why am I not?  I don’t even know.

Maybe it’s because of the kids.  Maybe it’s because I made a promise and I hate breaking a promise.  Maybe it’s because I’m stubborn.  Maybe because I know I love him even if I don’t feel it.   I don’t know.

I feel dead inside.

God fix us.  Heal me.  Be my lover.  Be my soulmate.  Be my one and only.  Be my night in shining armor.  Be my God.  You are my God.  You are all I have.  You are all I need.  Help me to see that.  Help me to know that.  Help me to feel that.  God I have a daughter that has never met her father.  God be her father.  Do what You need to do to bring her the love of an earthly father.  God speak to my husband.  Surround him with your love.  Be his all, be his everything.  Help me to get through this time.  Father, I can’t do this alone.  I can’t survive this alone.  I can’t heal on my own.  I can’t parent on my own.  I can’t become whole again on my own.  I need you God so bad.  I need you when he calls.  I need you when he doesn’t call.  I need you when I hate him, when I love him, when I need to forgive him.  I need you God so much. I am desperate for you Father.  Surround me with Your presence.  I’m so tired of this Lord.  Surround me.  

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