I Don’t Know.

I don’t know what’s going on.  I don’t know what’s going to happen.

You seem to be trying to make effort.  At this moment.  I don’t want to put too much effort back in fear of more pain.

I suppose I’m also testing the grounds to see if you really will pursue me.  If you really do love me you won’t give up because of my fears, because of my hurts.  You will be patient.

You do realize it’s going to take a lot of patience on both of our behalves.  But especially you.  You haven’t been known to be the most patient guy.  Are you really going to keep pursuing even when it gets hard?  Are you going to stick around even when we have to talk about the hard stuff, the embarrassing shameful stuff?  The problems we had before?  The problems you caused?  The problems we now must face?  Trust, finances, children, futures, dreams, responsibilities?  Are you going to stick through it all?

You do also realize there are probably going to be major intimacy issues.  Not only are you struggling with porno, but now I am struggling with intimacy issues.  The thought of sex still nauseates me, makes me angry, gives me the goose bumps and makes my heart pump faster than it should in fear and disgust.  My self-image wasn’t wonderful to begin with and now it’s completely shattered.  My confidence in who I am and in my body isn’t there.  We are going to have intimacy issues.  It’s going to be a huge uphill battle.  I’m certain when it’s defeated it will be wonderful, but are you truly up for the battle?

Maybe a way God will turn the evil into good in our situation is to help us start fresh and start better than we did nearly 7 years ago.  Can it be better than before?  Can you be the man God has called you to be?  Can I be treated like a queen?  Respected and loved regardless of my flaws, even with my flaws be loved the same?  Can I be pursued with everything in you?

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.  I don’t know if it’s going to work.  I don’t know if you setting me up, going to give up on me or if you are going to continue to let your heart be changed and to continue to let God love on you.  I don’t know and it’s so heart breaking not knowing.

Either way if you continue to screw up or if you bale out I forgive you.  If you do those things, there is no hope for you and I, but I forgive you.  I forgive you.  I’ve forgiven you for everything you did do and are still doing if you are.  I forgive you for everything you are going to do (no person’s future is perfect).

But right now, in the present I just don’t know.  I don’t know if I should be fearful or hopeful.  I would love to be hopeful, but that’s hard when you still aren’t living in the same area.

Either way I will love you with the love God gives me and forgive you with that love and let God be God and you be you.  We will see what happens.

I want to cry so bad, but haven’t had tears come out in weeks, I wonder when the explosion of tears will come.

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