Heart Thing

Today was…a not so good day.

Old faithful has become much less faithful…in the garage less faithful…stressful having to speed up the process of a vehicle purchase.

Not getting to go on a mini-roadtrip for thanksgiving…saddened.

A husband…yeah you know that one.

And struggling at being mommy today.

Then after getting the kids to bed like a champion abnormally early (and asleep at that!) I realize after actually sitting for a moment that…hey I don’t feel so hot…this may have contributed to my not so good day.

You called again today.  I tried very hard to make I didn’t interrupt you and let you finish what you were saying because I know that that irritated you before.

Another thing I’ve been realizing, is the things that are problems in your life.  The things that you can’t seem to change.  Be it your financial issues, weight issues, eating issues, laziness…they aren’t necessarily discipline issues…I’ve learned that they are actually heart issues.

Ever since I’ve been pregnant a hundred times I’ve gained nearly 100 pounds in the past 6 years.  I’m a horrible pregnant woman, sick and eat everything sweet in sight.  Then when I’m not preggo I struggle with losing it.  It just doesn’t come off.

With this last one, when I got home after having her I was down thirty pounds…my child and placenta and other junk was literally thirty pounds of goodness…I haven’t lost a pound more since (7 weeks)…nursing fail.

I just can’t lose it.

I realize that it’s a heart issue.  I feel very unattractive, ugly, my body is unlovable, it feels dirty, I am not beautiful – so much in fact that my body is disposable for another less used one.  Until I fix this heart problem.  Until I see myself as beautiful the way I am, nothing is going to change.  I’m not going to do what I need to do to take care of it properly and it’s not going to change. I’m not going to loose clothing sizes, I’m not going to tone up…Until I love me for me I won’t treat my body the way it deserves…it’s a heart issue.

Everything is a heart issue.

My husbands infidelity is his heart issue.  His need for pornography is a heart issue.  The laziness we fight with is a heart issue, anger, finances, overspending, blame…are all because of the heart.

I’m dealing with my heart..healing in millions of ways.  Not just from this trauma but from past issues, and from my own current problems.

It’s all about the heart and only God can heal the heart.

I am beautiful.  I am beautiful.  I am beautiful.

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