My Way

I suppose it’s what I get for posting my life on the internet for the world to see.

Most comments I receive are encouragement and people saying they are praying for me.  That brings a great big smile to my face.

Some say that I’m being played.  Some meaning two, but two feels like a billion.

But it’s ok.  If one person gets encouraged from this, if one person sees that there is hope, that they aren’t alone, that they aren’t nuts or that forgiveness is possible than it is all worth it.

Those that say I’m being played.  Yeah it hurts, but as my friend just reminded me last night, “I’m a big girl.”

I’m fully aware of the death circle trap thing.  The thing were you just live your life on repeat going through the same crap over and over and over again until you finally somehow escape.  Hopefully I am able to see this (some may think I’m blind), and I could very well be in the circle already and maybe I’m on my way out or maybe I’m on my way around again…but my point is it’s my circle.

If I tell my kids not to do something, they are all the more likely to do it.  “Don’t go to sleep.  You must stay awake”…genius-ness that actually works in my house.  They fall asleep.  “Don’t go in the fridge”…the next thing I know, there is juice, a cheese stick and ten apples out of the fridge.

Being told that I’m stupid, that I’m being played, that it’s pointless…just makes me want to prove them wrong all the more.

But as you are trying to point out…it’s not all me.  If he’s playing me then he’s playing me.  There is absolutely nothing I can do about his heart and his actions.  If he’s not…there is hope.  There is always hope.  It’s a risk I have to decide on.  Right now…it’s something I’m seriously considering.  But that’s my choice.  My consequences if it fails and my reward if it succeeds. Yes my close friends and family and even you may feel some of the good or bad that comes from it, but the brunt of it is on me.

It’s not going to be an easy journey.  It may not get very far.  It will be very long whichever way it turns out.  But it’s my journey. A journey I wish I didn’t have to go on, but I do.  So I’m going to do it my way.  Yes it looks like I’m getting played.  Yes I feel like I’m getting played sometimes, but I seem to always have hope and I always seem to be led by hope, so I’m not going to stop.  I’ll follow that because it is more positive and joyful and …well hopeful!

Just like my kids are going to live life their way when they get older, I may say “be careful” or “I’m not sure that’s wise”…but they are still going to make their own choices and there won’t be anything I can do about it (when they are adults).

My life my way.  Right now I choose hope and forgiveness.   I will always choose forgiveness…I may not always choose the hope in the situation, but for now I do.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this beautiful morning.  I thank you that I got to walk my daughter to her bus stop and hold her the whole time there.  I thank you for always giving me the words to speak. Your words are kind and loving.  You correct me but you always do it with love.  Teach me to speak that way.  I thank you that You gave me choice.  You gave my husband choice and you gave me choice.  Thank you that you let me live my life the way I choose.  I choose to live it for you.  Help me to follow you every where I go and in everything I do.  Lead me to where you want me to be.  Help me to make the choices that you want me to make.  Your ways are good.  Your ways are simply amazing.  I thank you that you can turn what the devil meant for bad into good.  I thank you that you can do that in any situation.  I thank you for your encouragement and love.  You are always there for me.  I love you Father.  Thank you again for this beautiful day and for my beautiful children.   Thank you also that there is always hope, faith and love.  Love will be forever.  Your son died because of love.  I love you God.  Amen.


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