Them Rolls

I was talking to you and I mentioned that it seemed hopeless.

You asked what I meant.

I said that you will ever get here.  It seems like an eternity and feels hopeless.

As if you won’t show up.  As if all this working on our communication has been useless, a waste of time.

It may be and it’s kind of depressing.

While our relationship may be doomed or it may flourish, my growth doesn’t get stunted.

I will continue to strive for independence, confidence, knowing who I am, seeing myself as beautiful, and just plain old learning.

People say they separate to “find themselves.”

That’s bologna.  You don’t need to separate from your spouse whom you have chosen.  You are married, once married there shouldn’t be an easy way out…fix your problems and move on.  I’m saying this in light of those who have to “find themselves.”

I am finding myself.  It’s amazing how much I’ve grown and gained as an individual while being alone and apart from my husband, but I should not have had to be away from him to grow as a person.  That was my choice not to grow when I was with him, not to learn, not to be less dependent.  It was my own fault for not figuring me out while I was still married and with him.  I could have done it then…I just had blinders on.

But that’s not where I am anymore.  I don’t want to be single, but I am so I will use it to my advantage and when I get a second chance, be it with or without my husband I will continue to grow, learn about myself, gain confidence, know who I am and learn in general.  If we as individuals in a marriage become stunted how will we keep our relationships from becoming stunted?  I don’t think it’s possible.  As we grow and continue to be us and learn more about ourselves and love ourselves our relationship will continue to grow.  We can learn to be better spouses, we can learn how to be better parents, Jesus lovers, career opportunities, hobbies, we can learn new things, new opportunities, new ways to dress, new ways to cook…we can always be growing and becoming more confident in ourselves.  That should never stop…unfortunately it did for me.

Being married is not an excuse to stop being yourself and to stop growing as an individual.

That right there is a heart issue.

If we stop growing as a person something in our heart is hurt or needs to be fixed.  Maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s someone that once told us we aren’t good enough, maybe it’s someone that didn’t believe in us, abused us, abandoned us, belittled us…something needs healing so you can begin to grow again.

Another heart issue I’m trying to deal with is this weight thing.  I’m not overly obese.  I was just a super tall girl with “big bones” that had 4 babies, 7 pregnancies in 6 years and has developed eating and laziness issues.

Clothing shopping for me is the worst.  I hate it.  If I could avoid it like the plague I would.

I want cool jeans, I want sweet shirts, I want cute pjs and underwear, but it’s absolutely depressing trying to find ones that look good.  Even shoes for goodness sake…cute shoes are incredibly hard to find in a size 11 ladies…wide.

These rolls are hard to hide.  This extra fat is hard to disguise underneath clothes that like to be tight and clingy.  Finding a winter coat is even ridiculous…I find one that doesn’t look like a belly top finally and actually buttons up…but the sleeves go to my elbows.  I amy be exaggerating a little, but you get my point.

Granny panties are great when you are pregnant and uncomfortable as heck, but once the babies out, you want to look and feel beautiful again, but is a daylong wedgie worth it?

I remember one pregnancy I needed underwear so stinking bad…my hips and butt expanded rapidly.  Husband and I went to the trusty old walmart…it was depressing trying to find cute ones…I started to cry in the middle of the underwear aisle.  Hubby then was sweet and hugged me and said it was no big deal.  We grabbed a pair and ran right out of that stressful place.  He was good then.

Point is.  I hate clothing shopping because I hate my body.  Yet I’m not able to do anything about it.  I just ate half a bag of chocolate chips, probably because I just talked to the husband on the phone.  I don’t over eat…I just eat bad things….that’s all I’ve had today and it’s 2pm.  I’ll end up binge eating this evening after the kids are in bed…leftovers, egg roll, cereal…whatever I can find.  It’s called not eating properly and not taking care of your body the way it deserves.  It stems from the damage in my heart.  I don’t feel beautiful so I don’t take care of it.

If I have a precious figurine.  I take care of it and treasure it and dust it and put it somewhere safe.  I don’t treasure my body, so it’s not taken care of.  Why don’t I like my body?  I don’t know. That’s something I’m figuring out.  Somewhere someone probably said something that causes some pain.  My husband cheating on me, definitely didn’t help either.

It’s a heart thing still.  Healing has to begin.  I am beautiful.   My butt is beautiful.  My thighs are beautiful.  My legs are beautiful, my face, my arms, my hair, my hips, my gut is all beautiful.  I am special.  I am important.  I am worth something.

It’s a heart thing.  Forgive.  Grow.  Learn.  Be you.  Take care of yourself, you are special.

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