The kids and I went out of town for thanksgiving.
It’s different doing it on my own with four, knowing there is a possibility that I may never do it with my husband again.
In other news, you still haven’t given up. I’m quite quite surprised by this. Shocked. Amazed. I’m not sure the exact word, but I truly didn’t expect you to keep going this far. I’m impressed. You still call daily, reply to most all my texts, tell me you love me, even sent me a picture.
You looked rough. Very rough. Homeless-esque. Messy unkept hair, crazy beard and tired eyes…to be honest you can keep that look until you get here…keep the ladies away. Hopefully most ladies don’t throw themselves at homeless people. As I observed your messy overgrown hair on the top of your head and then your exhausted looking eyes and your unkept wild beard I saw your neck. Sigh. There is no hiding the fact that it is attached to something big and strong. If a neck could be defined yours would be. Is it possible to have a crush on a neck? Can you put a turtle neck on please?
I really struggle at night. What are you doing? Who are you doing it with? Why haven’t you answered my text that I sent…two minutes ago… You actually didn’t get mad at me this morning when I brought up my concern and fear. You said, “why should I get mad, it’s my fault.” Normally you reaction would be anger and offense and redirecting the blame to me. Who is this person that takes responsibility, and actually acts like they care what I’m feeling? Who is this person?
You also haven’t said “shit” on the phone in a long time. It may seem insignificant but I see it as a reflection of your heart. The Bible says “out of the abundance of the heart your mouth speaks”…if you have filth in your heart, it’s going to come out. Yeah there are worse words to say, but you know where I stand on those kinds of words, I see no point, if you wouldn’t say that around your kid, why say it at all? But you haven’t said it lately. Maybe your heart is changing? That’s what needs to change first. You can’t make any changes permanently unless it first comes from the heart.
I feel as if the move is a daunting task to you. I’m not one hundred percent sure what you are waiting for, but I’ll let you wait. I have come to learn a few months ago, that I can’t make you do anything. I can’t make you love me, I can’t make you take responsibility, I can’t make you move. Yes if you love me, you would have done it by now. If you love me you would have not cheated on me, but we all make choices and we all make mistakes. You’ll do it in your time. I understand that. To be frank I’m not sure I’m ready for you to be here. Yes my heart hurts sometimes. Wishes we could be together, wishes we could work our problems out face to face. But then some of me wonders if we were together would we revert back to our old ways and not work anything out? Would I shut down and shut up? Would you overpower? I don’t know. I also know that I’m not ready. To be honest, I don’t really want you here yet. I like being able to “find myself,” oh how I hate that, but it’s real. I also like being able to slowly work out our issues on our own pace. You aren’t here, I’m not really afraid to speak my mind, cause you are already gone. There isn’t any more damage that can be done if I irk you the wrong way.
But when I purposely try to irk you lately…it isn’t working. You were once confused and screwed our life up. I’m confused now. You buttons seem to be less. Your attention to me seems to be more than it’s ever been. Our issues are real, they are big, they are scary big at times. As I told you when you first left me, working out our issues is pointless unless you love me. If you don’t love me it’s pointless to talk about the other issues. But now you act like you love me. My heart is going to take forever to heal, but you took the first step…that’s scary, I was ok with you not, I was ok with divorce, I was ok with the choices you made, I was ok with you not choosing me, but God.
God came in, those ten thousand people must have said ten thousand words and you must have heard something. You are fixing the one biggest issue to start the healing process. You have chosen love. It’s baffling. It makes me want to weep. What do I do with this? You want our marriage to last. How do I react? You want to be there for our children, “not just physically but on our A game”…as you said, since when? Who are you? Whoever it is I may like them.
Will we overcome the daunting mountain of an issue called finances? Will we cross it in one piece? I didn’t think our marriage was going to make it, but it might. As I said to my amazing friend who has been my biggest supporter, “there may be hope”…she reminded me if there is that we may be witnessing a humongous miracle.
If someone’s heart as stubborn and rough and prideful as my husbands can be changed and our marriage has hope for restoration and if He is becoming the man of God my family needs…that is a miracle. The Miracle Maker is able. God is a miracle maker and He loves me.
Who is this person that keeps texting me? No things aren’t perfect, they will never be, but they are better than before. I am being pursued, how can that be bad? It may cause for another fall, but it’s also the direction of success. It takes one step at a time to get up the mountain. I gave up. I was done trying to climb the mountain and then you seemed to take over. You seemed to take over on the climbing and to be honest you started carrying me up. I often feel like I’m just lying lifeless, flopping around cause I don’t want to put much of me into this relationship or into this mountain of a healed marriage. But you started to walk up it and you started to drag me along. How can I not follow if you are the one pursuing me? Who knows what will happen at the top. If you will continue to pursue me when you have me in your arms again. Who knows if we will get that far, but I like it. I like not having to do all the work. I like being carried, i like being able to rest my emotions for moments at a time. I like it. And I may like this person carrying me. I may just like them. God is able.