There is so much hope right now.

Yet there is still so much doubt.  So much fear.  So much lack of trust.

I got the purse you bought me.

It’s cute, but I can’t help but think it’s something she would like.

I wish I knew what you were doing every moment of the day.  I wish I could trust you all the time.  I wish I could have faith in you.  This process is hard.  Wanting you here, but not wanting you yet.  I want to live with you again, but it’s scary.  I want to date you again, but I’m scared it will stop.  I’m scared you will stop pursuing me.  I’m scared you won’t help with the kids.  I’m scared you’ll spend more time with the video games again.  That you will start keeping secrets and lying.  But at the same time I live with hope, that we are watching a miracle happen right before our eyes.  Hearing Chris Tomlin playing in the background is shocking.  I haven’t heard you chose worship as your choice of music in a long time.  Could this really be?

I want to hope so.  I want to hope it will keep getting better.  The love will keep getting bigger.  The communication continues to build and grow, the ways of showing affection grow, provision begins, dreams get discussed, finances are figured out, our lives join together again, our parenting becomes a team and eventually we live together again.  I want to hope it keeps getting better and that it never stops.  I deserve the best, I know you can be the best if you give it your all.  Maybe just maybe things will work out.  I do believe in miracles.

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