Nights Suck

Nights are the toughest.

They are the times that I want to give up.  Where I don’t think I can do this anymore.  When I want a divorce.

What are you doing?  Why aren’t you texting me?  Why haven’t you texted to say goodnight like you said you would.  I doubt you.  I don’t believe you.  I have no faith in you.  I want to quit.  My heart doubts, it feels sick, like something is wrong.

Maybe it’s the coffee talking or maybe my heart knows something that my head doesn’t want to hear.

I was looking through pictures on my phone.  I found one with three of our children squished side by side on our bed all looking in the same direction and your hand at the far end of them.  It had a controller in it.  They were all three watching you play a game.  That was our family time.  Disgusting.

Is my heart telling me something that I should be listening to?  or are you really just out and your phone is dead like something else on the inside of me is saying.

The pressure is lifting even as I write this.  Maybe I just had to get it out.

Nights are so dark.  More thank just physically.  It’s like a darkness engulfs me.  Some nights are worse than others.  Sometimes I feel so swallowed in it that I can’t get out.  I even forget about Jesus.  Jesus the name above all names.  The One who can lift me out.  The only One who can save me.  The Only one.  My husband can’t.  Jesus can.

Sometimes I can’t even seem to grasp Jesus at night, when everything around me darkens, my heart tightens and gets gripped by fear.  It sucks and it’s hard.

And then nights like tonight my son cries.  I get up and move and hug the small being.  And I listen to him breathe.  I listen to my daughter breath in the bed next to us and I remember Jesus.  I whisper it over and over.  I’m reminded of life.  The little lives I’m living for.  That their lives are so bright.  That yes maybe that picture I saw may be the last they saw of their father or maybe it won’t be.  But their lives, feeling my son breathe in my arms, it clears away the darkness, my fears.  It doesn’t matter what happens to me as much as it does my reactions that effect their lives.  Their lives are more important than mine and God’s life is a hundred times more important.  My mission in life is to bring God’s love to this world and part of that mission is multiplying HIs love through my children.  I have a purpose and it’s not this marriage.  It’s living in God’s love.  The marriage may be part of His plan, but right now I need to stay focused on me and His love and my kids so that I can survive and be in more than tattered pieces in the end.

When I got back from putting my son back to sleep, I had a text.  Sometimes a few minutes in text-land feels like an eternity.

God is faithful.  Calling the name of Jesus changes things.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.

Jesus Your name is above all names.  Your name is higher.  Your name is greater.  Your name is the best name around.  I love your name and I love you and who you are.  You are amazing and awesome.  You are my protector, my redeemer, my savior and my Lord.  You are my King, my friend, my lover, my prince of peace, my provider and even my prince charming.  Prince Charming in my daughter princess monopoly caused me bankruptcy twice today, You will never leave me bankrupt, spiritually, emotionally, mentally or physically.  Instead of taking away my ten bucks, you always give.  You are a giver.  Make me a giver like You are.  Make me a giver.  Let me be a blessing to others.  I am blessed to be a blessing.  Let my life and my story bless others.  Let it show people Your great and mighty love.  Be with my husband.  Speak to him.  Teach him.  Love on him.  Show him your love in great and mighty ways.  Show him your love so that he’s got so much of it he can’t contain it.  Teach him to love me.  Teach me to love him.  Continue to teach me to forgive.  I forgive him.  I forgive him for everything he ever did and for everything he’s ever going to do.  No human is perfect.  Only you are God.  I love you Father.  Thank you for my husband.  Yes I thank you for him.  Keep him safe and bless him and show him your love.  Thank you for my precious children as well.  In Jesus name Amen.

Jesus Jesus Jesus

Nights will not suck forever.

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