Vast Emotions

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again it’s amazing the amount and range of emotions that one can feel.  Even at the exact same moment in time.

Last night after speaking with my husband for a good chunk of time, even while speaking to him panic came.  It always comes at night.  It’s ridiculous.  Even while speaking to him panic still arises.  I’m not sure it will ever end.  I’m not even sure that we will make it.  It would be so much easier to get to know him again if we lived in the same area, yet I don’t want him here in case he hasn’t changed or stops changing and then it will make it even harder to say no to him.  But then I can’t really see it working with so much distance for such a long time.  I really can’t.

Night is horrible not only for the battle of giving it to God and forgetting about the feelings, but also because all this thinking makes sleep very hard to attain.  And then when I do attain it, one child or another wakes up every so often and the brief stretch of every child sleeping at once has ended.

As I lie there in the dark listening to the newborn snore I think man who knew that one person could such a variety of feelings at the exact same time.  I feel anger and anxiety/anxiousness, but really the anger stems from sadness.  I also feel jealousy, sorrow, disgust, helpless and uneasy.  Who knew that at one time we could feel 8 feelings or more at once single moment.  I didn’t know this.  But now I do.  It’s kind of good to be able to describe it and understand it so I can get over it and give it to God.

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for this new day.  I thank you for my adorable children and the hilarious things they say.  Remind me to enjoy more of these moments.  I thank you for my life.  I thank you for the ability to be a blessing to others.  Thank you for giving me purpose and vision and dreams.  Thank you lord for peace and joy in both my life, my kids and my husbands life.  Thank you Lord for taking hold of all the things I give you and thank you for never letting go of me.  Thank you for my husband and where he is today.  Thank you for a future with you and for your endless love.  In Jesus name amen.

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