I made a list today of things I’m learning.
The one thing I’ve really been learning is letting it go.
Thinking about what he’s doing. Thinking about what he’s done. Thinking about the past. It’s going to do absolutely nothing positive for me.
Thinking about what I would do if he showed up. Thinking about how much I hate that he hasn’t shown up and what that really means…isn’t going to do diddly squat for me.
Thinking about how hurt, sad, desperate, alone or pained I am is going to accomplish nothing.
The biggest battle right now…wondering what he’s doing constantly, thinking of things that I want to tell him, things I want to talk to him about, things I want to do to fix stuff…at this moment it’s going to do nothing to improve things.
I want to so badly text him constantly, talk to him constantly, beg him to come “home”, talk to him about what needs to be changed, fix things…but I can’t. That is going to do nothing. I cannot help him. Getting in his space is going just irritate him. I need to let him go. If he screws up again, then he screws up again. I can’t stop it. If he leaves me again, then he leaves me again. I can’t stop it. If he doesn’t text me as often as I would like, I can’t make him. If he doesn’t call me as often as I would like, talk to his children often enough, send emails, written letters, finances…I can’t make him.
There is absolutely nothing I can do to change him. It’s a process he has to go through himself. He has to learn and do it for himself. Hopefully through my backing off he’ll want me more. Hopefully through my deliberate choice of words he’ll want me more. But if he doesn’t there is nothing I can do about it. Thinking about it isn’t going to help either. If he lets me down, doesn’t meet my expectations, doesn’t make me feel loved enough, says goodnight too early, doesn’t say good morning, fails me…there is nothing that I can do. No amount of thinking, worrying or being anxious about it is going to change it.
It’s his choices. His life right now. Yes it effects his whole family, but they are all his choices. What he does is his decision. I can only follow God and obey Him and leave it to Him. No matter how much he hurts me, fails me, and doesn’t ever show up I have to let it go and let God. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change my husband. I must leave it in God’s hands. Sometimes it is very difficult to do this. To shut off the brain, to not give up, to find peace, to just trust and be still.
God’s got my back, He always has and He always will. God is for me and not against me. People may fail, but He won’t. He doesn’t even know how to fail me. He is my number one lover and my number one friend. No man can take His place. No man. He knows what I need and when I need it. He is my provider. He can hold all my worries and all my troubles for me. He always carries my baggage for me and He even carries me. He holds my hand, He holds me, He hugs me, He kisses my cheek. He calls me daughter. He is my all in all. No other can compare and no other can take His place. No other can take His place. That’s quite the concept. No other can take God’s place in my life. The spot is way too big to fill. My heart is safest in His hands so I’ll just keep it there.
Let it go to God. Shut up brain.