Scream

You called this morning,

I was having troubles finding a happy place to be when you called.

I didn’t tell you anything, but honestly I’m really struggling with not having you all to myself here.  I’m really struggling with the fact that you layed me aside, but now you can’t lay down everything for me.  It’s just a job…you haven’t kept a job for more than a year since I’ve met you, except to be youth pastors in which I did most of it.  Why must you keep this job now?  You’ve broken leases, why must you keep it now?

Yup I could very well be played, not sure what the benefit of leading me on is, but I am fully aware that you may be up to  something.

I want you all to myself.  I want to work on this where I can see you.  I want the physical aspect of love.  The touch, the hand holding, the stroke of my cheek, the extra hugs that I need lately.

I want my own home.  I want your help choosing a vehicle.  I want to tell you so many things, that I just can’t right now because it will mess with your own journey of healing and growing.

I’m tired of this.

The kids were all screaming and crying today.  The boy has a huge bag of raisins all over the floor, the three year old is full of snot and cranky and not feeling well, the 2 month old is cranky (you haven’t even met our two month old), the house is a mess, thank goodness the five year old is out with grandparents.  I give up.  I’m staying in.  I had grand plans of being out and doing some things I wanted to do, but I give up.  I’m staying in.  It’s just not going to work and my frame of mind isn’t going to be of any help either.

I have resigned myself to elves and unicorns on tv, a son happy with the mess in the kitchen and coffee brewing.  Maybe I’ll be able pintrest some dreams.  Hopefully I’ll be able to forget about you and what you may or may not be doing.  I really dislike you for leading me on and not meeting my expectations and for not just coming.  But life goes on. I can’t do anything about.  I may as well enjoy my day, the extra cuddles and worship my God regardless.

Lets get that coffee and give it all to God.  I can do this.  He’ll take care of it.

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