I am hurting husband.
Nights have become long again and sleep has gone again.
A problem has come up, a hurt has surfaced and I am not the one that is talked to about it. I am abandoned. It feels very much like I am loved conditionally. If I say something wrong, even if my family hurts I’m the one that gets abandoned and loved conditionally.
Maybe I should have just listened. I understand that, sometimes the need to fix everything overcomes your need of just listening. But when I’m shut out of your life it truly feels like their are conditions on the love you have for me. That’s how I feel.
I was first abandoned basically because I didn’t work (that was the excuse I was given), then I was just shut out…that’s not being loved unconditionally. And now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells because if I say the wrong thing I’ll be abandoned again or left out. I know it’s slightly an extreme but as I said it’s how I feel.
I can’t keep doing this. I can’t be shut out every time a problem is faced. Let me in. Even if I screw up in handling it. I need to be loved unconditionally and I need to be the number one person you talk to in your life. You always told me not to bottle stuff up inside, please don’t do it to me.
I get shut out and nightmares come. Even though I don’t go to bed thinking this dreams about my husband and another lady. Dreams of me going to visit him and he still won’t come home with me. Dreams of me visiting for three days and he won’t have sex with me because he’s getting satisfied by her. Dreams that he won’t cuddle me and is just going through the emotions with me because he would rather be invested other places and with other people.
Don’t shut me out and don’t love me conditionally. It’s not going to work and I can’t do this.