Weep

I don’t think I’ve really truly wept until all this happened.

I couldn’t keep it in anymore.  I hadn’t cried in a long time.  A few tears came last night while trying to get my fussy baby to sleep.  But tonight I was able to get out and drive by myself and I wept.  I wept.  I mean I wept.  I cried out to God.  It’s a horrifying sounding cry.  One from the inside out.  From deep down.

I cried out to God.  Jesus Jesus Jesus.  Help me God.  Help me Father!  Save me!  The pain is too much, the pain is unbearable.  It’s too much.  I can’t do this.  It hurts.  It hurts.  It hurts.  Take it away I can’t do this.  It hurts!

I cried and cried until I had nothing left.

All I heard was God call my name.  it was actually more like a yell.  As if He was saying He was there.  He was speaking loud enough for me to hear.  As if I was freaking out for nothing.  As if it’s ok, I’m here but zip it.  I am here.   I am here.

I’ll be ok.  I just had to get it out.

Husband was having phone troubles.  He did email me to tell me.  He called me and we had a good conversation about our days, that I was struggling and ADD and how it’s interesting to learn about and how it explains so many issues that my husband has.  He mentioned that for a time he thought maybe he had aspergers syndrome.  But after looking into it he has all the symptoms of ADD.   It was a good conversation.  Still have a long way to go, but it’s a start.

All I can do is trust that he isn’t lying about his phone.  Of course negative thoughts come, but those aren’t going to get me anywhere or do anything good for me.  Worrying is worthless.

Crying is good, weeping is ok.  Get it all out.