My three year old crawled into bed this morning with me at 5:30am, “mommy I want to cuddle your hair”…she has a strange creepy obsession with hair. Kind of like the creepy dark haired guy in the movie Charlies Angels that goes and cuts off a chunk of peoples hair and then sniffs it in pleasure. Weird.
Then at 6am my 1 year old starts screaming at the top of his lungs and my 5 year old ends up getting up with him, taking him out of his bed, leaves him and I find her on the potty.
All while my 2 month old is nursing. Needless to say she was cut-off early and she didn’t like it.
Meanwhile my brain is reeling from why in the world did you not say goodnight. Why does your phone go straight to voicemail. I’m trying very hard to let it slip right off of me and think the best of you. It’s easy at first, but as time slips away it gets harder and harder to not think about it and stay positive.
Regardless of the reason there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I even told you directly last night on the phone that I need you to keep telling me you love me even if it seems redundant. That obviously didn’t get through to you.
It’s also so hard to keep my thoughts from drifting to what you had done. It’s hard not to picture you with another woman. When I think about kissing you, she pops into picture with you. When I think about possibly wanting sex you and her together come into mind. It’s horrible. Makes me feel disgusting and brings the darkness and sadness in.
It’s going to be an interesting day today. I refuse to let the darkness in and stay. This is the day that the Lord has made…I WILL REJOICE!