Maybe it’s a good thing that your phone isn’t working.
After a really hard two days, the past two have been great! I think about you less and when I do think about you it’s because you’ve emailed me to say you love me or that you have booked time off of work to come visit. Now you just need a plane ticket, but at least it’s a step…honestly I wasn’t really expecting you to actually do it..just more proof that you are for real.
It makes me excited to do life with you again.
I now know why I’ve been on an organizing kick lately. Since before I stumbled upon ADD stuff. They say being in an organized atmosphere and having organization in your life is supposed to help you succeed better and be able to not feel overwhelmed so you are able to be a better husband and father. So it’s cool that I already was doing that and God knows what He is doing.
I also messaged your father like you asked and finally told him what was going on. That was something you should have done but I also know you are ashamed and don’t want to hear his hate. He too surprised me and said he loved you, the first time in a long time. Usually he says he hates you. That brings me great sadness. No father should hate their child no matter what. Everyone is learning and growing and healing and can never have enough Jesus. He wants to go to church with you. You should. I would love to see your relationship with him healed too.
Today, life is good.
Last night as I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep and talking to God I realized that I need to be a little more thankful. I am thankful for my husband, thankful for the growth he has shown, thankful that he still loves me, thankful that he took a step towards visiting, thankful for my children, thankful that I can exercise, thankful for the supper I made last night. Thankful.
Thankful that I can worship. Last night driving home I was worshiping and I could hear my little 5 worshiping in the back too. She is so precious. When we were almost home she went silent and I thought she was asleep. As I got out of the van to get her she stood up and looked at me and had big crocodile tears coming down. I should have known, music always does this to her. Especially worship music. She said, “I miss daddy” and she started to weep. Shoulder shaking, crocodile tears weep. I just held her and said “I do too.” I can’t bear to see her hurt anymore but I can’t bear to tell her there is hope and see her heart broken again if it fails. The music reminds her of her daddy playing in the band at church, it reminds her of their time together choosing songs on youtube and singing together, it reminds her of when he would sing her a song while she was in bed. There were good times, they just are sometimes hidden behind hurt and anger.
5 misses her daddy. I miss her daddy. If he does show up, I am so excited to see her reaction. It will bring me so much indescribable joy.
Thank you Jesus for my life.