I don’t really get to talk to you, well I do but sometimes I just need an ear and I still struggle with bringing it up. I really wished I could have had a hug today. I thought about calling you just to hear your voice even if I had to pay.
I’m not really sure why but I really struggled today. It started horribly. 3 year old was awake in my bed pulling my hair and jabbering at 5:30am. Baby was doing her usually fussy-ness at that time. And then at 6am 5 year old and son both woke up crying in which I had to stop nursing so baby started crying and at some point three year old was too..All four of them were crying and grumpy at 6am.
Anyways 5 year old got spanked before she even left the door for school because she was being very disrespectful to me. 3 yr old was whining for tv like usual, son was super clingy and grumpy. When we finally got to the bus stop 5 still wasn’t listening to me and ended up corralling all the kids and having a race on the sidewalk. 7 little people racing down the squishy sidewalk led to 5 tripping, making 2 others fall and 3 going flying over 5 face first onto the sidewalk. Her chin and upper lip are nice and red still.
After that things simmered down and I succumbed to tv for 3 and son to a nap and tried to work on the church website…not getting very far…i now know why people pay good money to someone to do it…it’s hard work! And then the sadness just came. I struggled with images for a moment then anger at you and then I tried to let it go and was like he’ll text when he texts he’s probably still having phone troubles. And it’s hard trusting, how do I keep from knowing I won’t get hurt again? How do I know it’s not going to happen again? How are you going to keep away from temptation? I have to succumb that I can’t guarantee it. All of that sucks, then even after stopping thinking about it which in all honesty wasn’t actually very long today I was just real sad. The kind that you can’t get rid of and isn’t normal. I had a hard time not staring at walls or finding motivation to do stuff and then I couldn’t even remember what I had to do or should be doing. I forgot about laundry, cleaning the car or anything 😦 I know this isn’t normal but it’s where I’m at and I know it will go away eventually…I hope.
Somedays are really good, some aren’t, like today. Eventually I just stood in the kitchen closed my eyes and started singing. Yes the words are probably wrong…There is a fountain filled with love and it flows from emanuals veins, I will rejoice I will rejoice. I just sang and sang and sang. 3, son and baby all got quiet. I sang until I saw God and sang until I heard the angels and sang until I saw myself dancing with Jesus.
It was nice. Peace. And then the sadness came back. Eventually I got 5, got another cup of coffee and went out to dance, cried in the car and then it was done. Getting out got me out of my funk. So yeah I struggled today. Usually I can get to a happy place and let it go. Let the expectations, the missing, the images go, but today for some reason when I did I still had the sadness. Anyways, I wish I could hear “I understand, it’s going to be ok and you are going to be ok”
I’m proud of you. I think your business idea is super cool. Wish I could feel your arms around me and wish I could see you try to keep your grin in while I cry.
I love you.