Hating

My trigger; the shower.

Yesterday was quite satisfying actually.  I got so angry with her.  I imagined giving her the one twos…the jab then the cross that knocks her out and gives her something to remember for a long time to come.  It was satisfying to imagine and think of.

I hate her.  Maybe I should work on forgiving her too.  Something I need to work on.

Today’s shower was less eventful as it was done in a rush to avoid too much toothpaste in my sons hair and I had no time to think.

He sent me an email today.  A picture randomly. You were topless, my heart skipped a beat.  Then I felt disgust and sadness.  There is a picture of a man.  My man that I cannot have.  My man that last had sex with another woman.  The picture makes my skin crawl.

You said you were going to keep your word and you were going to come in December for a visit.  You took the time off work.  You say you are buying your plane ticket this weekend.  We will see if you go through with it.

You called today like you always do and we lost the call.  I sat there perfectly calm holding my phone knowing that you would call back.  You did.  I knew you would, but it’s still shocking that you did.  I had faith in you and you succeeded.

You had sex with another woman.  I forgive you.  I forgive you.  I forgive you.

I am so nervous to see you in December.  You say you are excited to see me.  You say you are most excited about going on a late night date with me.  I’m impressed you said late night.  You are taking into consideration that it will have to be when the children are in bed.  You are getting to be thoughtful.

That picture still disgusts me and makes me swoon and makes me want to cry.  You were supposed to be all mine.

I’m afraid of how I will react when I see you.  Will I run to you, smile, cry, run away, slap you, punch you, kick you in the balls, barf or go into fetal position?  I really don’t know.  I don’t know if I can touch you.  I don’t know how I will react when you touch me.  I am so scared.

I imagined you slipping your hand in mine this morning while I walked back home from dropping 5 off at the bus.  It made me smile.

But now when I think of you I want to cry and rip my heart out because it hurts too much.

I’ve been reading my book that my friend sent me.  It’s called “The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness” by Kris and Jason Vallotton.  Jason’s wife of 9 years left him and his 3 children.  It’s nice to know I’m not crazy.  That this chaos I feel in my life is not abnormal.  It’s also nice to know that there is a God way out of this.  That there is a good God way to healing and forgiveness.   If he can do it then I can too.

His wife left for good.  Mine (husband) wants back.  Honestly there are many times that I don’t know if I want him back or how I can take him back.  But right now I don’t have to.  He is not here.  I just have to live and survive right now.  The time will come when I have to choose, but for now I can heal a bit and continue to forgive continually.

Heavenly Father, heal me.  Restore me to my fullest.  Bring me joy and peace and love and patience and wholeness.  I just need all of You.  I need every piece of you.  You are all I need.  Father help me.  I have a few good days and then I have a few bad days.  It’s frustrating knowing on the good days that the odds of a bad day coming are quite likely.  I don’t want any more bad days.  Today was a bad day Lord.  Continue to give me more good days.  Continue to teach me how to have more good days.  Train me, teach me, guide me.  I love you Lord. I thank you for my life.  I thank you for peace and for my amazing children.  They bring me so much joy.  They are loving and hilarious.  Thank you for making them funny.  Thank you for the joy they bring in my life right now.  I pray for my husband.  I pray that you would be with him, continue to heal him, continue to help him grow.  Press yourself against him so that he can’t help but see you everywhere he looks.  Reveal yourself to him, surround him with you, surround him with your soldiers, love on him, make yourself known to him.  Thank you for him and for who he is.  Thank you for making him amazing.  Thank you for my man of God who loves me like Christ loves the church and for my children’s daddy who is a father like God is a father.  I love you Lord.  You always have my back.  Thanks.  In Jesus name Amen!

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