My Heart is Mine

I’m not sure where my heart belongs anymore.

I know I’ve given it to God.  Or I should be, or I need to give it to him more.

I placed my husband in the god spot.  I relied on him for my happiness,I gave him control of my life and I made who I was according to who I thought he wanted me to be.  To what would make him happy and please him.  That was wrong.

I have given that god spot back to God.

I am who I am and I’m not going to change that anymore.

I am confident and happy with who I am.

Dorky, flaky, living in a disney movie.  It’s nice to sing again.  My daughter rolls her eyes at me all the time and laughs at me as I break out into song.  It’s been a long time since I sang or danced.  I enjoy being goofy especially with my children.

It’s nice to have joy.

Now to figure out what to do with my heart.

My heart first and foremost is God’s.  I need to talk to Him first and most.  I need to think about Him most.  I need to spend the most time with Him.  Major improvements need to be done in this area.

At this moment in my life, my children have my heart next.  They need my love.  They need me to give my all to them.  They need my attention, my kisses, my hugs, my “I’m so proud of you’s”  and “I’m so glad you are mine”

Then the question lies do I want to give my heart to my husband?  He broke it.  It hurts.  It’s still in a thousand pieces.  I gave it to him and he broke it.  He broke it.  Such a sad statement, but do I want him to have it back?  Does he have it back?  I’m not sure.  I really don’t know.  I think about him and every feeling comes.  Hate, anger, shame, disgust unfortunately are at the forefront lately.  But every time I hear his name or see his emails I smile and my heart skips a beat.  Do I want him because I’m desperate or do I want him because I love him?  Do I even love him?  I love him with God kind of love.  He is my husband.  He wants to be with me.  He is changing, slowly, but he is.  What do I do with my heart right now?  I suppose I just stick with the God kind of love.  I love him with Christ’s love.  I may not love him like a wife should right now, but I do love him like Christ.  I forgive him.  That’s the greatest kind of love.  Forgiveness.  Can you really love like Christ without forgiveness?  It’s not possible.  That’s the ultimate love that Christ displayed.  He forgave me for all my crap and died for me so I could receive forgiveness and now it’s my job to love with forgiveness.

My heart is God’s.  Wholly God’s.  My heart loves like God loves because God lives in my heart.

Whatever else will happen, whatever else is uncertain.  If he continues to chase after my heart I do know I’m not going to give it to him.  I may let him into my heart, but I’m not giving my heart away again.  That was a mistake.  I will let others into my heart that God has filled so they can feel love of God too, but my heart is mine and no longer anyone else’s or free to go to anyone else.  Good revelation if you ask me, glad I figured that one out.

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