Feel Like It’s Over

Today is a day I feel like it’s not going to work.  I feel like it’s failed and I’m getting a divorce, that it’s over.

I feel like I’m on my own and he’s given up on me and chosen something else. We haven’t had a chance to talk in a while and his emails have almost stopped.  That’s the way I feel, i’m not sure what an outside view would look like but it’s what it feels like.

I’m angry at him, upset I can’t ask the questions I want to ask because someone is always in overhearing distance and I had another “nightmare” last night which doesn’t set the day up for success.

I dreamt he chose her again.  I dreamt I asked him where he met her.  He said a strip club.  I dreamt I asked him when and he said last year when I went to visit my parents in the summer.  I dreamt that he was still with her and I said goodbye.  The dreams always make me want to ask if they are true.

So frustrating.  Maybe he will call tonight and we will actually be able to talk…maybe he won’t call at all.  It’s weird feeling like it’s over, like h…………….

And guess who I just got off the phone with?  God’s funny that way.  He met her at apple bees, he hung out with her while he was still with me, he said he never slept with her while we were still together, he said the meals weren’t for her…I really don’t know what to believe.

It sucks.  I wish he never screwed up.  I wish he never dated her, had sex with her or anything.  It hurts and sucks.  I can feel it in my chest again.  It had been a while since I felt it for real.

You flirted with her while you were still with me.  You hit on her.  You suck.

Lord help me forgive him again.  Lord heal all these hurts.  Help us discuss them and heal them.  Lord keep me focused.  Lord I don’t even know if I even want this marriage restored, but I trust you.  I know it could be great, but the work and the hurt feel insurmountable at the moment.  Help me please.  Help me Lord.  I love you Jesus

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