Weird Hope

It’s weird living life alone.

It’s weird not having someone to help, but then again I never really did have anyone to help even when we were together.  You were always checked out or not even home.

I really hope it’s different.  I really hope you go out of your way to show us you love us when you come to visit soon.  I really hope you cry and apologize again the moment you see me.  Selfish?  Maybe.

I really hope you bless your children, just watch them and smile, aren’t caught up in whatever media you can get your hands on, I hope you help and pick up after yourself and kiss them endlessly, that your patient and happy and that you listen and that you don’t lie and that you talk about the tough things, the embarrassing and shameful things.  No more lies.  I can’t do anymore lies and no more blaming me.

I will change me and worry about me, you think about yourself and change yourself.  It’s that simple.

I’m just afraid that you are still lying to me and this whole trip will be pointless in our relationship or even that it will go badly.  I really don’t want to fight, but I also don’t want to be run over again.  And everyone knows I’m horrible with conflict.  I just want to run away from it, bow down to avoid it…anything but face it and when I do face it I just cry.  Yup…not very good with conflict.  Help me please Jesus.

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