Abandoned

I’ve been living with a lot of anger lately.  It started today after being woken up by my kids “whispering.”  I say that in quotes because they more often than not don’t know the meaning of a whisper.   I was awoken from a dream.  A dream of constant running and hiding and saving countless babies from some crazy bomb blowing dude and running some more all the while wondering why my husband wasn’t there helping me.

I woke up angry at him for something he didn’t even do.  Yes he’s not here helping me save these babies that are ours, but it was just a dream.  It was just a dream.

Today 5 said, “mom you were awfully grumpy today, what’s making you so frustrated?”  I had to repent.  Grumpiness like everything else is a choice.  It’s a hard one to choose something different.

We got a Christmas tree today.  I was super excited.  The hunt was fun, the hot chocolate, the hayride…it was perfect and enjoyable with all my littles, but then we got home.  The kids were all in the box breaking balls and papa was stringing the lights.  Papa was stringing the lights.  The job I hate the most, but have always had to do was stirring the lights.  My husband usually just put the tree up and sat down or left the room.  He didn’t often help decorate.  I was just sitting there thinking wow he’s stringing the lights how weird.

Then I got a Facebook message from my father in law saying husband sent the money order that my father in law sent.  Um hello, your own dad is sending your family more money than you did.  What the heck.  Something is wrong with that.

You called and we talked and I said how my day was and asked what you did…”nothing”…that leads to so many thoughts…did you have sex, did you watch porn, did you stare at a wall, did you spend a thousand dollars on yourself?

I called you out.  I said something to the effect of how are we supposed to have a conversation when all you say is “nothing.”  How am I supposed to continue a conversation from that?   You got frustrated and asked if I wanted to hear that you had a shower, watched tv, at a burrito and went out…I said yes yes I want to hear the little details.  I want to be part of your life.  I want to be able to continue a conversation from what you say.

I suppose the best word for my all my feelings combined the past few days is abandoned.

This next week is going to be crazy busy, church, doctors, daycare visits, work, dance, swimming…exhaustion.

Dear Lord as I go into this crazy week help me stay focused.  Keep my dreams alive and remind me of your love.  Help me be productive and efficient and joyful and full of energy.  I love you Lord.  Be with my husband.  Give him a dream to focus on.  Give him energy and love on him.  Give him something to focus on.  Show him your ways and your mercy.  Show him your grace.  Help me forgive him as much as needed.  Teach me to love again.  Teach me mercy and grace Lord.  Teach me to be an even better mother and remind me to be patient with my children.  Help me enjoy every moment with them.  Help me to slow down.  They don’t have to hurry up all the time.  You can’t hurry up pooping and you shouldn’t hurry up reading with them.  Remind me of this Lord.  I love you God.  Thank you for your mercy and grace and love.  Thank you Jesus for humbling yourself and allowing yourself to be placed into a human woman and being birthed into this world like a human.  Thank you for coming to earth for me.  In Jesus name …Amen!!!!

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