Where Did My Hope Go?

I am glad we are alive…I am glad for Christmas trees…I am glad that delicious smelling pinecones were invented.  I’m glad my son starts daycare Thursday so I have an opportunity to work.  I’m glad for a clean house too.

As I was driving to our last daycare visit this morning my van died.  In view of my life recently it fits right in, but also doesn’t seem so bad as other things that I’ve seen.   I have no clue what I’m going to do, but I’ll figure it out just like when my life fell apart.

Thankful for my dad taking care of the stranded van and helping me get to the daycare and back home.

Yet when I got home putting away the bags from last nights late night shopping trip I have no clue how it happened but the fridge broke.  That little fence thing on the door shelf fell off and broke in half.  Yes I literally broke the fridge too.  Van and a fridge in one day…the day is only half done and it’s turning out to be quite expensive.

The worst part was knowing the van is going to the garage and it’s going to cost me good to get it fixed when 6 months ago if it happened I had a husband that could have bought a piece and fixed the van in a day for incredibly less than the garage is going to cost.  That sucks.

Then when he calls today and finds out he asks if I can wait two weeks and he can fix it when he comes.  No no I can’t wait two weeks for you.  I’ve waited for you before and that didn’t work out so well.  You abandoned me remember?  How am I supposed to not have a car with 4 kids for two weeks?  Ahh…

And then I see a Facebook friend who just got back from a long trip and she’s hugging her boyfriend so sweetly…envy.

I wish I was as beautiful as her.  I wish someone would embrace me that sweetly.

It’s ok.  I’m perfectly beautiful the way I am…I’ll have to remind myself of this today and I have a renuniun  coming … I have no clue if it will be that sweet.  And I know the anticipation is not the same as if I had been gone from my lover for a long time….we have been apart, but he sure doesn’t feel like my lover anymore.  Yes I miss him incredibly much, but I also have to forgive him often, I also have to consider that if he’s still the same person I probably can’t be with him after this visit.  If he’s the same person (which is quite likely) I probably will have to say goodbye to him eventually…for good.  This sucks.

But then he could be everything I dreamed of and more.  He could be sweet, helpful, a gentleman…and we could have productive conversations…after all I do trust my God and my God does love me endlessly and He is full of surprises for me His daughter.

Lord, I used to be so hopeful.  I used to be so optimistic and …well hopeful.  I just noticed that it disappeared.  Where did it go Lord?  Has life sucked it out of me?  That’s not cool.  Lord please bring the hope back to my heart.  Please bring the joy and optimism back.  Show me the bright side of things, the hopeful things of life, remind me to think of the good option instead of presuming the worst.  That’s not me and that’s not you.  Bring me hope again Lord.  Revive it.  I love you.  Thanks for always having my back.  In Jesus name…Amen!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s