Christmas is coming.

I was very afraid that it would be horrible this year…emotionally.  But I am still quite excited like my usual self.  That is brings me a smile to my face.

We are all recovering from the stomach flu…that’s just horrible stuff.  Hopefully I get the sick feeling out now and I don’t feel sick when I go pick husband up from the airport.  I still can’t believe he is coming.  He kept his word, he is coming to see us after soooo long.  Man I don’t know what to think.

“You get what you deserve”…”No No I didn’t get what I deserved”…”yeah…you’re right”…..So many of our conversations bring back the past.  Even if we aren’t speaking anything about the past comments bring up thoughts of it.  I so often just have to shut my lips.  Does he not remember?  I’m sure he does…he’s so nonchalant about it.  Does it hurt him so much?  He tries to forget about?  I don’t know how I would live with myself if I cheated on him, if I broke him like he broke me.  Although don’t get me wrong at times I just want to go be with another man just to see his reaction, show him how much it hurts….but that’s just the selfish side of me.

Life goes on….I passed by chicks fighting on ufc while flipping…I don’t understand why people would want to endure that pain or why they would want to inflict it on someone else.  It makes no sense to me.   Why would you want to hurt anyone?  I know why you would want to hurt them…why would you actually go do it?

Thank you Father for your love.  Thank you that you don’t want to hurt me.  That you always love me, always want to see me safe and happy.  Thank you that I get to live this life for you.  Thank you that it’s almost Jesus’ birthday.  Thank you that my children are super blessed this year even though we have had a crazy year.  Lord I am super scared about husband coming to visit.  I’m tired of not feeling loved.  I just want to live my life and be happy God and not have to deal with with relationship crap.  Thanks again for loving me.  Amen

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