So Messed Up

I am so behind on writing that I don’t know what to say.

I need to fall out of love with a man that doesn’t love me.  I need to fall out of love with a man that I am going to divorce.  I need to stop talking to him the way I do.  Inappropriately for a man that is cheating on me.  I have become his “dirty little secret”…wrong on so many levels.

A week ago I had sex with a man that I knew I was going to divorce.

I still love the man that is living with another woman.  Something is seriously wrong with me I think.

I’m still talking to him because I don’t want to be alone.  I’m scared to say goodbye.  I’m scared to say I can’t do this anymore.  I don’t want to be Mrs. Name anymore.

Yet at the same time I want to call him all the time.  I want to text him.  I want to FaceTime him.  Then two minutes later I remember he is spending Christmas with another woman and not his own children and I get so pissed.  I wish I could just divorce him then and there.

It’s so easy to get married how come it can’t be that easy to get divorced?  I have to be Mrs. Name for at least 4 more months because I have to live here for a year before I can file.

I’m in such a screwed up situation.  I know he is bad to me.  I know he is probably spewing out lies left and right, but it’s so nice to hear the I love you.  It’s so nice to hear him call two minutes after we talked just to say I love you again.  It’s so nice to hear him say you aren’t an idiot.  It’s so nice to hear him say you’re not stupid your in love and so am I.

But to be quite frank I am an idiot.  He doesn’t love me.  If he did he wouldn’t have cheated on me.  He wouldn’t have lied about continuing to cheat on me and he wouldn’t still be cheating on me.  I’m an idiot and I can’t stop talking to him.

My friend said quitting talking to him is like quitting crack.  She’s right.  Not that I’ve ever had to quit crack…never did drugs…ever…never plan on it.  I tried to quit him for a day.  I went almost 24 hours.  I felt panic, I felt my chest tightening, I felt sick, I felt like my world was crashing down…most of the day I went hour my hour and my friend helped me through.  It felt good to get through it.  I feel like I can do it again more stronger on my own, but I failed at keeping the silence.  I had to see him.  He’s cute what can I say…and that “zing” is there when we look in each others eyes…but it’s all a freaking lie.

I am filing for custody and access after Christmas and then divorce.  He isn’t going to do what it takes to move here.  He is still with her.  He abandoned us.  He doesn’t really love us.  If he did he wouldn’t have left us.

My life is so messed up right now.

So Messed Up

5 thoughts on “So Messed Up

  1. I don’t think you are stupid. You are just having a hard time letting go! I have a hard time letting go of old friendships and I could not imagine what you are going through with trying to let go of a husband. Keep taking care of those sweet kiddos of yours and they will help you get through it. You are doing a great Job! You seem amazing and wonderful and he is the idiot not you for letting you go to begin with!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh dear AB.. I am so sorry. Although our experiences are different during this journey of infidelity what I can say is the letting go is hard. Hell my husband is here and I had to let him go, let what I thought we were go and it was hard. At first it was hard to not have sex with him and towards the end of 8 months I didn’t care if I ever did again.
    I even dream of faker, her family, even her sister.. it’s strange and I don’t think of them every second if I did nothing would get done around here like the first 2-4 months after D-day.. but you are not alone, stupid, an idiot.
    \
    You were with someone for years, had beautiful blessings together and your dream got squandered. The good Lord only knows if you two will ever get back together or when the divorce is final. Between now and then hell I remember fucking thinking the same thing.. It took me 3 days to get married, fucking 6 months to a year??

    What the hell Kansas? And then parenting classes.. geesh have you found Katie’s blog she got divorced recently and is blogging all about that too.

    I want you to know you are alright AB seriously. You are loved and supported. This is your test.

    He failed his.. don’t fail yours

    ❤ NH

    P.S. If you want to see his handsome stupid face Google Hangout Me seriously you don't need to talk to him at all unless it's about the children even then you can email him.. Have you read the book Tough Love by Dr. James Dobson.. it might be a good read for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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