I am so behind on writing that I don’t know what to say.
I need to fall out of love with a man that doesn’t love me. I need to fall out of love with a man that I am going to divorce. I need to stop talking to him the way I do. Inappropriately for a man that is cheating on me. I have become his “dirty little secret”…wrong on so many levels.
A week ago I had sex with a man that I knew I was going to divorce.
I still love the man that is living with another woman. Something is seriously wrong with me I think.
I’m still talking to him because I don’t want to be alone. I’m scared to say goodbye. I’m scared to say I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be Mrs. Name anymore.
Yet at the same time I want to call him all the time. I want to text him. I want to FaceTime him. Then two minutes later I remember he is spending Christmas with another woman and not his own children and I get so pissed. I wish I could just divorce him then and there.
It’s so easy to get married how come it can’t be that easy to get divorced? I have to be Mrs. Name for at least 4 more months because I have to live here for a year before I can file.
I’m in such a screwed up situation. I know he is bad to me. I know he is probably spewing out lies left and right, but it’s so nice to hear the I love you. It’s so nice to hear him call two minutes after we talked just to say I love you again. It’s so nice to hear him say you aren’t an idiot. It’s so nice to hear him say you’re not stupid your in love and so am I.
But to be quite frank I am an idiot. He doesn’t love me. If he did he wouldn’t have cheated on me. He wouldn’t have lied about continuing to cheat on me and he wouldn’t still be cheating on me. I’m an idiot and I can’t stop talking to him.
My friend said quitting talking to him is like quitting crack. She’s right. Not that I’ve ever had to quit crack…never did drugs…ever…never plan on it. I tried to quit him for a day. I went almost 24 hours. I felt panic, I felt my chest tightening, I felt sick, I felt like my world was crashing down…most of the day I went hour my hour and my friend helped me through. It felt good to get through it. I feel like I can do it again more stronger on my own, but I failed at keeping the silence. I had to see him. He’s cute what can I say…and that “zing” is there when we look in each others eyes…but it’s all a freaking lie.
I am filing for custody and access after Christmas and then divorce. He isn’t going to do what it takes to move here. He is still with her. He abandoned us. He doesn’t really love us. If he did he wouldn’t have left us.
My life is so messed up right now.
So Messed Up