Harder Then Easier

The few days after my anniversary where rather difficult.

I went long into the midnight hours trying to stop my brain from thinking.  From seeing images I didn’t want to imagine, from thinking things I didn’t want to remember.  I would even get up and walk around to try to shake them.  Maybe if I walked around enough they would rattle right out of my head.

I struggled with separating myself from him.  But as time went on it got a little easier.  We haven’t talked on the phone since and my emails have grown cold.  I’ve done it on purpose.  He doesn’t really love me.  Life would have been different if he truly loved me.  If he loved me like he should he would be willing to die if necessary so I can live or for his children too…but I know he would never give himself up for any of us…when it comes down to it that’s love.  That’s the love Jesus showed and that’s ultimately our goal of love for all other people.  If you can’t show it to your own family you sure aren’t going to show it to others.  He doesn’t truly love me.  He doesn’t know the meaning of love.  He doesn’t know what love is.  I tried to show him, but my time of showing him is done.  I cannot keep doing it.  He is still with her, my time of waiting for him is done.

It’s really mind boggling to think that I’m single.  That I’m under no obligation to not flirt with another man if the opportunity arrived.  It’s strange to think that I can check out another mans butt and not feel guilty.  Yes I’m still married but my marriage is over.  He left me, he was unfaithful and still is.  He knows we are getting a divorce.  Yes he continues to say he’s coming, but as far as I’m concerned that’s a load of…well bull.

I went to meet a friend (of the female kind) Saturday night.  We met for coffee then went to dinner (backwards I know), as we were leaving the coffee shop there was a Facebook friend that walked by with his daughter.  We knew each other waaay back in the day when I was…well single.  It’s just weird being single and it’s weird knowing that no one else knows that I’m single.  Well family, three friends and you guys of course, but that’s it.  I’m not about to announce it to the world and I’m not about to be a drama queen and change my marital status on Facebook or even my last name.  As a matter of fact my status update was “I have a crush on a heavy bag, it’s official”  and my father in law said “name is in a relationship!”  I politely messaged him saying I was deleting the comment as I don’t want a bunch of drama and questions.

Yes I worked out…it was freaking amazing!  And yes I envisioned a certain two people and their guts being struck by my boxing glove and yes I am feeling the muscles cramp already…as long as I don’t feel my guts that four months ago were exposed to the world to expel my child from me, I’m happy.

Back to the communication with “him”.  It’s cold.  He tries to call, but I don’t answer.  I mostly right now don’t answer because I don’t want the kids hearing my talk to him, and my family who I work with think I’ve ceased all communication and it’s embarrassing that I can’t quit him quite yet.  But my desire to talk to him is getting less and less.  All I remember is over the summer when he was only able to talk to me at certain times because he couldn’t and wouldn’t when he was with her and had no interest in me…that removes all desire to communicate with him.  As well as all the lies he has told me…yuk.

Longest blog ever. Sorry.  Life has gotten too busy to do it daily now that I’m working three days a week.

It’s strange having some major life decision coming up quickly and “he” doesn’t even know about them or even really care.  Moving, schools, cars, work, goodness.  I can do this.  I’m a big girl.

It’s hard, but it’s getting easier.  I can do this.

2 thoughts on “Harder Then Easier

    • As I read your words, I hear so much strength as your progress proves you have already climbed a a good chunk of the steep side of the mountain. Every word you wrote spoke to my soul, because these will be my exact words if my husband decides to go back to her. Courage in the midst of such pain. But I’ll deal with that then and not worry about it now. Good for you. You’ve got this.

      Liked by 2 people

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