I mentioned how I’ve been struggling at nights. Trying to shut my brain off, struggling to find peace. The past few nights I end up praying desperately and see myself crawling into God’s arms and Him rocking me.
Last night as I closed my eyes close to God I saw myself in a vast ocean. Nothing in the ocean just the water and me. I was underneath the surface, floating where I can see the light above but not too far from the darkness…the place where it is pitch black and you can’t even see your hand in front of your face.
I was just floating there, kind of tumbling around in slow motion. I would look up and see the light and know that there was light there and freedom there and dry stable ground and knew that I would be there again. Then I looked below me and saw the darkness. At first it scared me and then I realized why am I afraid of that?
Why am I afraid of that when I’ve been down there before and lived through it? I’ve been in the darkness before. I’ve been in the pitch black. Where I can’t see a millimeter in front of me. Where there is no difference than having my eyes closed. Why am I afraid? I’ve been down there before and lived to see the light again. I’ve been surrounded by the fear, the unknown, the possible pain, yet lived.
I saw myself go down into the darkness. I realized. That I can breathe, God has given me some sort of gills. That nothing is truly hurting me. That there is nothing to be afraid of. That the unknown isn’t so scary and it’s not truly going to kill me.
I then envisioned my kids with me floating in the darkness, 5 and 3 were holding my hands and boy and baby were strapped to me. At first they were panicking, I steadied them and got them to calm down and told them to relax. There was nothing to be afraid of, they can breathe, they can move, there is nothing around to hurt them and we are ok.
That’s all. The unknown isn’t so scary. The darkness isn’t so scary. I’ve lived through it all. I’ve lived through hell. I’ll live through this unknown year. I don’t think a year could get any worse than the one that I just lived through, so 2015 can only be better. Earlier this year, I didn’t think that. I had no hope, but now I realize I’ve been in the pitch black deepest darkest place, I’ve lived and anything else is going to be better, even by a smidge. God will continue to take care of me.