Valentines

Today is my first valentines day alone in 7 years.

I’m trying really hard to be happy and enjoy who I do have, but it’s a struggle to ignore the immense amount of pain inside.  It’s hard to be constantly putting down the thoughts and images I have in my head. It’s hard to ignore the urge to hunker down and just weep and groan in pain.

I will get through this day just like I get through any other day.

Valentines never really was significant to us, but it is today.

This year he is buying her a gift, getting one from her and doing something with her.

Last year I got a gift certificate to a massage…I don’t like massages, never desired to have a massage and to top it off he never  took the kids so that I could go get the massage therefore I never used it and yes he got upset.  Whatever.  If you get your wife a massage you need to also provide the time for her to do it.  What did he expect?  For me to take the kids?  I don’t even like massages in the first place.  Which leads me to believe that it is something his girlfriend would want.  I’m certain it is actually.

Just like the cheetah print blanket he got me for Christmas last year.  It through me for surprise…I asked for a blanket, showed him the kind I liked…and got cheetah print.  I know for a fact his girl friends comforter is cheetah print…what the bleep?!  I now want to burn that blanket.

This year…the scentsy warmer he got me for Christmas…seriously?  You get me one every single gift opportunity.  I don’t like them! Give me a damn candle instead!  The ugly cross on it?  Just because she likes them doesn’t mean I do!

So pissed off.  I was second for that whole time.

But the joy of the Lord is my strength.  HE is my strength.  God is my strength!  This day is almost over, I can do it.  Tonight when I am alone the tears will flow and I will mourn.  I will cry until I can cry no more and then like all the other memories I have mourned the thought when it comes again will sting less.

Thank you Jesus for healing me.

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