Just be there please.

A few months back I had communicated to my children’s grandparents on their dad’s side the true story of what happened.  I was tired of being made out as the “one who left”, the bad guy, the blame was all on me and he was innocent and the victim.

I made my point and left it at that.

At first they responded in distress and they were angry, but knowing them I knew it probably wouldn’t last and they would get over it.  Sure he’s their son/step-son, just don’t forget about your grand children.

I saw it coming.  The fact that they have said nothing to him about it and ignore it, but it still hurts.  I’m not even really sure why I care.  They are far from me.  As I said as long as they don’t forget the kids and stop sending them their birthday and christmas presents.

It’s a lonely road out here.  A real struggle with not having an outlet.  My husband used to be my support.  My sounding board.  That’s gone and there is not really any one person to replace him.  There someone I can sound about my parents, someone a smidgen about him, but not really anyone that is truly my back up in this thing called life.

People say they love you, but they don’t truly know how to be there for you or prove it.  Older generations that are your “friends” who could take you under their wing and give you strength and help you grow, but are too busy for you.  They don’t really care.  Willing to correct you, but not listen.

That’s what I need.  I just need an ear.  I don’t need someone to fix stuff.  I don’t need someone to hate him for me.  I just need someone to listen.  That is how I will heal.  I need to figure this out on my own.  Not you figure and sort it out for me.  You don’t have the answers for my life.  You don’t have the feelings I have and you don’t know what I am going through because you never care to ask.

I feel so alone.  I feel so unloved, ugly, fat and useless.  So many lies going through my head.  So much grossness.  I have lost me.  I need to figure this out with my own ideas, but having a support behind me would be so lovely.  An ear, an arm on my back, a hug when I need it.

God.  I’ve been slacking talking to you.  I need you.  I need you more than ever before.  I am not functioning at full capacity.  I am emotionally a mess as proven today while I drove around for an hour with four children in the back of the van while I hid my flowing tears.  God I’m a mess.  But you are perfect.  You are holy and you are wise.  I need a support.  God I need a person along with you to help me get through this time.  To be my encouragement when I am down.  Who has an ear.  That doesn’t judge, doesn’t hate, doesn’t try to fix things.  Rather they just listen.  God I know you have the perfect friend for me.  Bring them to me because me going to them hasn’t been working.  Lord, I love you.  Thank you for always having my back.  You are my rock and my shield.  Thank you for bringing me through this whole and strong.  Amen.

The saying that says you don’t know what a person is going through so don’t judge…so true.  To those around me, you really have no idea and I hope you never have an idea, but please stop judging me and trying to fix me.  I love you, but I need to figure this out on my own, just be there.