Broken

We attempted to make love.

It ended quickly because he wasn’t “focused”

He then replied that I basically need to fix me.

I wasn’t good enough.  I was broke.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

Now that I think about it.  This was probably the first time we had sex after he had sex with her.

She doesn’t have kids.  Let alone four of his children.  Three of which I birthed through that part that needed to be fixed.  Of which I just birthed one five months ago.

I was now broke.

I am just realizing now the damages that those words have really done to me.

I’m not too sure how to heal from not just those words, but all the words that have been spoken to me.

I’ve been focusing on the actions.  The abandonment, the neglect, the not showing up, or calling.  The cheating.  But the words are so damaging.

“You are useless.”

“You need to do kegels or something”

“You aren’t a good housewife”

“You are lazy.”

“Your kids were always dirty, the house was always a mess”

“I chose her over you.”

All these words combined with actions have caused a lot of pain and hurt and damage.  I’m not good enough, I’m broke.  I’m a failure.  I’m not worth loving.  I’m worthless.  I’m no good.  I’m a piece of crap.  I’m ugly.  I’m lazy.  I’m a horrible person, a horrible mother.  No one will ever love me.

So many insecurities hidden away.

So many tears that need to be shed, but no where to shed them.  Hide them from my kids, hide them from my parents, hide them from “family”, friends, those that say they love me.  Why do people say they love you but don’t really care?  Don’t want to hear how your life is going?  Don’t want to help with the little things?  They don’t really love you or they would go out of their way to be there for you.  Their lives are too busy for you to be included.

I have to heal and to heal I have to find a secret place to cry.  To heal I suppose I can only sit in the memory and begin to mourn it and cry until I have no more tears.  Until it doesn’t sting so much.  Like I’ve done with all the other memories so far.  I hope it works the same with words.  Words that sit on the heart and sink in and tear it apart.

I wish it all never happened.

I truly wish it all never happened.  I wish my children still had their father and that I still had my husband that once upon a time loved me.  That once was my prince charming.  I wish.

Tomorrow is another day.  Another day in which I am struggling to connect with my God.  He is the only one that can heal me, yet I don’t get close to Him.  He is the only one that can truly comfort me, give me peace and joy.  Yet I don’t run to Him.  I need to change that.  The Bible is sitting right beside me opened to the place I read last week one morning for one minute before my day began.  I need more of it.  I need more of Him.  I need to move on with my life.

I feel like I’m stuck in the past right now.  I’m muddled up in it and can’t get free to walk toward the future whatever that may hold.  I need to get this crap off my feet so I can be a whole and healed person for my future.  I don’t want to be alone forever, but I need to run to God first so He can guide my steps properly.

P.S

You guys are amazing.

2 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Hugs to you. The hurtful purposeful words they say are extremely difficult to escape from. I know. I try to make them leave but they won’t.

    I know I am not what he said and wrote about me. It is him justifying his misdeeds. It is a cruel joke of the mind that he is playing with you. A truly cruel and disheartening joke indeed. None of it is true! The immature musings of a man who cannot escape his own mind due to selfishness is not worthy.

    Liked by 1 person

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