Where do you find healing?
It comes in the little things. Taking time to recover from each and every pain, big or small.
Every single memory. Feeling the emotions that go with it, riding through it…just feeling..then the recovery begins.
Sometimes it has to be done more than once.
But each time it gets better and better…less painful…until hopefully the pain is gone.
It no longer bring physical pain. Praise the Lord for that. That must mean I’m taking steps in the right direction.
Sometimes it still gets dark. Most of the time now it’s just anger and sadness…or in all actuality sadness which brings the anger. Sadness that my children’s father has left them. Sadness that I was lied to and cheated on. Treated like crap. Which makes me incredibly angry.
Why did he chose to become the person he became? I don’t get it. Why did he chose to be the person he now is? He chose the biggest mistake of his life and to stay with it. He chose to give up the best things that have ever and will ever happen to him.
Baby is almost one…less than a month away now. He has seen her a whole 5 days of her life. She has heard may 15 minutes of his voice on the phone in her whole life.
Sometimes I forget that I should be thankful for her. That I got her and not “her”. That’s good enough reason right there to get rid of the anger. I got my precious baby that I can’t imagine life without.
She took her first step today…just one leg and then crash, but it was still had me bouncing on the couch clapping and shouting “yay!” like the four year old beside me. Like mother like daughter I suppose ha ha. He has no idea and he probably won’t.
This summer is a year of closure I think.
We had some really good memories of camping. We camped right on a beach…that was amazing. And in the bush…no camp sites…just plane out in the middle of a random forest in the middle of nowhere. The take your gun in case of animals camping. We hiked and found the most amazing and beautiful wooded area ever…a piece of heaven. My little family. A good memory.
Last year was full of sadness because daddy kept going camping without us. “It’s not fair that daddy gets to go camping so much”
While we still just had our bags…he had all the gear that we so diligently gathered via garage sales and gifts. The tent, the coleman stoves, cooler, canopy, water cooler, hot dog skewer…we were set.
Now we have nothing and I have four kids to take camping myself. And yes I’ve heard it…”you are crazy” or “don’t do it”…I’m going to do it. I bought a tent. I scouted out a campground…I’m researching the portable grill I want…I’m doing it. My kids deserve it. They deserve my undivided attention, the escape from electronics and new memories and I’m quite looking forward to it too.
This was the last Saturday in this house. The house that he was supposed to join us in. We are letting go…saying goodbye. He is not joining us and it’s ok. The new house is bigger, better and mine. Mine. I am going in not making arrangements for him to join us…a place for his clothes, a side of the bed for him…it’s mine and the kids. Goodbye old house, old expectations, old hopes, and hopefully pain. Goodbye.
The kids went fishing with their papa for the first time without their daddy, my baby turns one…her whole life without him, We are going on many adventures and I’ve just realized I no longer dream of what it would be like if he was there with his children. With me. With us as a family. I don’t imagine that anymore. I just enjoy the kids and the wonderful days we have as I am all they have and they are all I have. This summer is bringing more healing and everything is going to be ok.
I am going camping…this year. We will heal and make a new memory.