Healing Pain

The other day the roof of my daughter’s barbie house fell onto my foot.  The corner of the plywood smashing down.  It hurt, but as I tell my kids…I shook it off.  Later washing it in the shower the whole thing stung like a thousand wasps and went numb.  It hurt.  Eventually it hurt less after the shower.  Then doing groceries as my flip flops rubbed it began to hurt so bad that I ended up waddling around the store with my flip flop half off my foot.  Three days later the swelling is gone and it is scabbed up and healing with no more pain, but that sure took a long time for a fairly small wound to heal.  Thank goodness for my “nurse”  she bandage it all up gauze wrapped around.  Which of course led my son to ask “what’s that?”  and proceed to push down on the gauze…ouch.  It was good for a laugh.

Wounds hurt.  Big or small.  They take time to heal.  The pain goes away for a while and then something rubs it the wrong way and it comes back…eventually it totally heals up.

I’m still waiting for the wounds of my heart to fully heal.  It’s been 14 months since his first email saying he “can’t do it anymore”.  It was right about now (12 months) that I found out about his infidelity.  It hurts.

My husband left me.  He cheated on me.  It sucks, but life is still going forward with or without me.  I can’t miss my children’s lives.

Scrolling through Facebook everyone is posting about the Duggar scandal.  My heart breaks for Anna, his wife.  I know the pain and darkness she is going through right now.  I wish I could hug her.  I feel her pain, tears for her are rolling down my face.  There are no words that she will be able to say that will describe her pain, her feelings.  I hope he does things differently than my husband did.  I hope he truly repents, changes his ways and makes the right choices.  The tough choices, the suck-it-up-buddy choices.  But then how is she to ever trust him again?  It hurts.

I often hate him for what he has done.  After the fact that he is not coming home to me ever again had sunk in, my feelings turned to a lot of anger for him.  I don’t want to hate him, but he sucks.  He hasn’t spoken to his kids in two and a half weeks.  He hasn’t responded to child support so I can’t divorce him.  He has kind of disappeared, granted we were out of service range for 6 days at a cottage.  Still feels like he has disapeared.

I wish things had turned out differently, but it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.

In not so depressing news….we finally moved! After post-poning the move and living in box world we finally made it!  The new house is huge!  The kids run around the house yelling “marco!”  trying to find someone.  Hearing the 2 year old boy do this is too stinking cute.  The kids and I have our finished basement, with the grey wood grain looking floors…love them!  There’s something special about having your first shower with your brand new shower curtain, in the brand new shower in your brand new apartment.   It’s amazing.  Thank you Jesus!  The space is wonderful.  I finally have my own living room.  Not a shared one with my parents.  We have our own bathroom, we have our own whole 1600 square foot apartment.  Amazing.  I have my own place and I’m proud to have it.  It feels like I’ve accomplished something.  Makes me feel like I can provide for my kids on my own.  I am capable.

It’s also nice to have my own space to be me in.  It was lovely to sit down here by myself, well with baby too, while the other littles were asleep and worship and unpack and just have my own place.

As I said thank you Jesus.

One step at a time, one day at a time.  I can do it.

3 thoughts on “Healing Pain

  1. I have been thinking about you and wondering how things are. Great to read all is well as it can be and your thankfulness speaks measures.
    Also I have been convicted by telling you I have been thinking of you yet I haven’t prayed for your bunch in a long time sad but convicting
    Thanks for the update and thank you for sharing your faith among the storm 💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

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