Let’s Just Be Honest

Let’s just be honest here.  I haven’t had sex in 9 months.  I don’t believe in giving yourself to anyone.  I saved myself for marriage.  I enjoyed nearly 7 years of it…let’s just be honest…I enjoy it.  And then I was thrown into abstinence again.

Don’t get me wrong.  Now that I have experienced it, if I ever get another opportunity to try marriage again it will be a struggle to wait until we tie the not.  Honestly, I’m not sure that I will be successful at it the second time around. It was easy before.  It probably won’t be again.

Just cleaning my head.  Sorry for making you uncomfortable.

I don’t know how people make the single life look easy once you have had someone.    Especially after something serious.

It’s lonely.  You miss what you once had.  I miss having someone beside me in bed.  I miss reading beside someone.  I miss telling someone about my day, venting to someone about the annoyances I encounter.

I miss seeing someone that is my best friend smile.  I miss holding hands.  Just the physical presences of someone near me.

It’s lonely.  Sometimes I don’t notice it as much.  Sometimes it comes on strong like a wave pushing me over and down.  Like tonight.

I often can’t sleep lately.  My mind drifts to the time he sat by the fire while I was on the couch.  He was sitting criss cross applesauce and looked at me and said “we just don’t have passion anymore.”   I don’t even know what my response was.   I kick myself for not knowing the signs.  I kick myself for not screaming at him to do something about it.

Then I see him sitting in the same spot and me going up and kissing his cheek or sitting behind him or rubbing his shoulders.  I enjoy someone else’s company.  I now know he had his walls up then.  He wasn’t receptive of it.  But that’s ok.  I still enjoyed it.

Memories flood in.  I’m afraid to turn off the computer.  To turn off the lamp and put down the book and lie in the darkness with my thoughts.

I struggle with purpose.  With focus.  With drive and motive.  I had it with my team mate.  We were going to be in full time ministry.  I was a full time mommy and wife and I loved it.  Now I am everything.  Now I am even struggling with seeing the vision of me in ministry.  The thought of doing everything…mom, provider, organizer, chauffeur, protector…just everything is overwhelming and under stimulating.  I want more.  I want to invest in someone that reciprocates it back.  I don’t even know if that is the right word.  I want to feel loved and encouraged and pushed to do more with someone.

It’s gone.

I force myself to stay organized and focused on what is ahead of me.  I have to force myself to dream and write them down.  To plan and prepare for the next day.  To set goals and set out the path to obtain them.  Big and the itsy bits ones…call the doctor. Otherwise I have no purpose.  I have not motivation.  I’m lonely.  I don’t see hope.  I’m fearful of the future when my children grow older.  I want to share this life with someone.  My children are my motivation, but they can’t be my substitute forever.  I want to share this life with a husband.  I am surrounded by a house of 6 people, yet I’m still lonely.

I need to find satisfaction in myself.

I have already tried once, I will now try again.  The darkness is not bad.  My thoughts are not bad.  God is my shelter and refuge.  Psalms 55 speaks of someone who also had their best friend stab them in the back…the last line…”I trust in God”…that is my last line too.

I trust in God.

2 thoughts on “Let’s Just Be Honest

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