Let me go.

Let’s just face it;  life can be hectic, overwhelming, chaotic, an emotional mess, and totally unplanned and spinning in circles going nowhere.

That’s been my day…well feels like it’s been my week.

For example today:  I got 6 off to school just fine.  Got home to spend hours updating the church website.   If you have done any graphics or website design you know it’s a tedious time consuming task that not many people understand.  You can’t just snap your fingers and tadum! New graphics, new info.  No.  It’s a ton of small details put together and all the world sees is the final product.  Anyways I did that as three little people ran in circles around me with papa trying his darndest to wrangle them, yet wondering what in the beans was taking me so long.  I finally finished what needed to be done at noon in which I drove to the old office in search of a lost file box…lost file boxes are bad news…in which is wasn’t there.  I then drove across town to the walmart and as I pulled in the parking lot my mom called saying she needed dad asap and he had the car and left his phone at home…so I didn’t even get into walmart turned around and went to him at the church and told him to go home.  Then turned back around to walmart.  The chicken and peanut butter that were on sale and where the main reason I went were totally out of stock and no…no rain cheques either….standing in customer service was useless.  I then rushed back across town to drop of a toonie that I forgot to give someone when I bought something from them off Facebook and ran to school to get 6…dragging 4 behind me as I ran…why am I picking her up at school when she should be taking the bus?  Because the school put the wrong address into the system…not once…but twice.  I did get good news that she is finally on the bus route starting Friday…Hallelujiah…but that is 4’s first day of school and I have to drive there anyways ha ha oh and 4 isn’t on the bus route as the system still has her registered at a different school….seriously people, it shouldn’t be this complicated and circle-ish.

And then guess who texts me tonight?  Yup.  “Can I talk to the kids?”….I’m sorry.  I just can’t do this right now.  No you can’t talk to the kids.

He did call yesterday…I’m pretty sure my jaw dropped.It had been a month and 5 days.  I didn’t answer.  He texted asking if he could talk to the kids.  I said why did you disappear?  He got upset, said forget it.  I said ok.

He is not welcome to come in and out of their lives.  I just can’t do it.  The emotional repercussions that he doesn’t have to see or deal with are too much right now.  6 has not had one tantrum, meltdown, fit…whatever you want to call kicking, screaming, throwing things, hitting, hurting people thing.  Not one since he stopped calling.  He disappeared.  The emotions had time to deal and sort and heal.  And now that it’s convenient for him he wants to talk to them and start that all back up?  I can’t do it.  I feel like a bad parent, but I can’t do it.

He needs to grow some balls and be a man.  Either be there consistently or …well I would just rather he be a dad, but he seems incapable of it.

Seriously a month and 5 days.  Did you get a job?  Did you figure out child support?  Did you start taking your meds?  Get it together then try again and don’t give up again.  I emailed him this.  He has not responded and yet tried to talk to them again. So frustrating.

In and out is not ok.  Just talking to them and not being a responsible adult is not ok. Telling your daughter you will send her her fishing rod and her checking the mail every day only to not have ever sent it – is not ok. Be a man. A good one.

I also emailed him asking to figure out child support so we could get a divorce.  I’m ready to move on.  I need a chance to move on.  It’s not fair that I can’t move on because he can’t deal with the powers that be and provide for his children or even make a freaking commitment to.  I still feel captive.

I wish he had chosen to stay and play lego with me, and swing on swings, and wrestle and dance and sing like crazy folks in the car, but he didn’t.  He chose to party and curse and cheat live without standards.  Maybe just maybe I will be able to find someone else that will do that with me and will love me for me and not let me go this time, but I need the chance.  He has to let me go eventually.

My life is spinning in circles.

2 thoughts on “Let me go.

  1. Hugs to you. I’ve been there and it takes a toll not only emotionally but physically as well. I hope you can rest when needed and know you are doing a great job with your kids. I also hope the hectic mess calms down a bit for you as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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