My posts seem to be so gloomy lately. For that I apologize. Maybe it is just a stage of the healing process, maybe it’s just slight depression, maybe it’s…I don’t know what.
I’m a believer in the 5 love languages: gifts, words, deeds/services, touch and quality time.
I had been reading the book for kids in order to help me find 6’s love language so I can better love her in her language. Hoping it will elevate some of the constant leak she has in her love jar from a missing father. I have narrowed it down to two for her: deeds/services and quality time. She reacts differently when she receives these two, I have yet to pin point exactly which one is number one. But it helps me curb melt downs.
Although she has not had meltdowns lately instead of bursts of anger and sadness she lately has been having bursts of craziness/loudness/so wild that she no long is hearing anyone….it’s like bursts of hyperactivity and not in a good way. New ground for me. We’ll figure it out and make our way through it like everything else.
But speaking of love languages I have known for a very long time that mine is touch. Being a single woman, that leaves for a very dry jar. I try my best to sustain it with appropriate hugs and kisses and cuddles from my kids, but I am far from feeling completely loved in the human form. My parents have never been big huggers, pat on the backers, side huggers, kiss your children-ers, it only comes when necessary. Thankfully they seem to have embraced this lifestyle a bit more with my children, which is especially good for the kids to have their papa hug and kiss and cuddle and wrestle them. For that I am very thankful. And I can’t discount one of my fondest childhood memory being almost every night I would lie in bed with my mom watching tv while we waited for my dad to come home from work. I would lie my head on her belly and fall asleep right there with her…maybe it’s one of my favorite memories because touch is my number one love language …it all makes sense now!
Back to adult me. The lack of love in my life now leaves me feeling very lonely at night when my most treasured time of being held every single night…even while he cheated on me. And wrestling…legit play wrestling…not the code word for sex wrestling, they made me feel loved even though I wasn’t loved like I should have been. But on the other hand the addiction to porno and the getting it elsewhere left me high and dry of…code word “wrestling.” This left me countless nights crying myself to sleep long after he was fast asleep and had moved from holding me. Why was I not wanted? Was I not loved? Well we all know that answer.
I was lying here tonight and all these thoughts came flooding in. I figured I would type them out and maybe that would get them out of my system and I would be able to sleep.
Three things I am thankful for:
- My real queen size bed frame in my own room with my super awesome mattress, with my super squishy foams and even a box spring! After a year of sharing a cot with my son, I am incredibly thankful for my bed. And I haven’t had an actual bed frame since I left for school 8 years ago. It’s the little things, but so nice.
- That my sons teeth are still in his head after smashing his mouth into my new bed frame “I boke your bed momma”….aka intense teeth marks in my wooden footboard…I’m convinced it’s a miracle he still has his little top teeth, although he looks like he’s been in a fight, poor guy…eventually he will be able to eat an apple again…no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
- Good looking men. Gives me hope and motivation to keep going. Sounds stupid but it’s true. Especially the men part…when I state men I mean real men that take responsibility and act like a gentleman should. Not this flurry of boys trying to men that I see all over.
- You guys for taking time out of your lives to leave me encouraging comments. I really am thankful for that.