Digging

People are moving all around you.  They always seem to be doing something and going somewhere.  Achieving this, working on that, dreaming up dreams, planning out plans, working toward things.  Moving here and there, coming and going.  There is a whirlwind of people actively doing things; going on around you and there you sit in the midst of it.

Why are you here?  What was it you liked to do again?  Are you even good at anything?  What was your favorite part about you?  What makes you you?  What are your quirks?  What makes you special?  Who the heck are you?

Life has gotten so mundane.  You are so used to giving all of you to everyone else that you forget about you.  The same old routine over and over again and you forget why the routine was started.  You lose yourself.  You lose that special something that makes you so special.  It’s drifted away because we let go of it in order to grab hold of everyone else’s specialness, to hold onto the sanity of just getting things done for the sake of getting things done.  You’ve lost you.  I’ve been there.

Or life has gotten so messy and messed up that anything you did have has gotten trampled.  Everything you did have was ripped away from you.  It was ripped away, thrown away and then trampled on by a thousand angry bulls…not quite, but it’s gone.  Life has gotten so messy that you has gotten lost in the mess and is no longer seen anywhere.  That’s me now.

Who the heck am I?

What happened to my quirks?  What happened to the things that made me me?  The unique things?  My passions, my dreams, my abilities, my uniqueness?  Where did they go?  Sometimes they get lost amidst the mundane routine of life.  The brush the teeth, shower, eat, work, homework, walk the dog, feed the fish, bath the babies, cook the dinner, sleep and repeat.  Sometimes they get lost amidst the give give give of yourself and you end up forgetting about yourself.

And then sometimes it just disappears as life keeps pounding on the chaos and mess.  Your emotions are shot at, your heart is ripped at, your mind is tested, your body reels of the consequences of your heart and mind being played with over and over again through life’s circumstances.  Through this all the real you is long lost before you realize that you’ve lost you.

Then one day you realize that you have lost something.  That something isn’t right.  You begin to look around and you begin to wonder again.  You begin to wonder why am I here?  How did I get here?  What am I doing?  What happened?  Then you realize…who the heck am I?  Where did I go?  Where did the girl go who sang all the time the stupidest songs?  Where did the person go that dreamed constantly?  Where did the person go who had lists on the go all the time?  Who was prepared and planning continuously?  Where did the person go never stopped hoping?  When was the last time I truly hoped?  When was the last time I loved the way I used to love people no matter what they did to me?  The love that loves them no matter what?  Where did the girl go who had patience to spare?  What happened to me?  I miss hoping.  I miss being the positive thinker, the one who was always thankful.  The one people look up to when they need encouragement.  Where did I go?  What happened to me?

I got lost.  The consequences and circumstances of life attacked my emotions, my heart, my mind and in turn my body which in turn made me betray who I really am and lose myself which is a person that people look up to.  One with passion, dreams, plans, pursuits, quirkiness and fun.

I got lost.  Let’s dig me out again.

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