Life has been the non stop series of unfortunate events lately….
Seriously, the scale…my gravitational pull just keeps increasing…
My van which I just paid $400 to fix 2 weeks ago…is back at the garage making a weird whining noise…I have enough whining in my house…and…I’m hoping that the other thing it’s doing isn’t my transmission…arg…yes 2 weeks ago.
Let’s see what else…ah yes, my children’s faces…boy smashed his face on my footboard a few weeks ago…I’m quite surprised he still has his teeth…I may have told you this…anyways his face is still bruised from that on his left cheek…and then two days ago he randomly tripped and smashed his face on the wooden post under the deck…so now he has a shiner on his right eye, he randomly cut his nose too the same day and…got a bloody mouth all over again…yes. And now I’m pretty certain he has strep or a really bad ear infection…to the doctor we will go…did i say I don’t have a van because it’s at the garage? Oh yes.
Then there is my little baby, well not so little anymore 13 big old months. She has a random bruise on her cheek, a cut on the bridge of her nose and as I was assisting her in sitting back down in the tub she bonked her face…making me feel like the worst parent alive as I wiped up yet more blood… oh and she is on antibiotics for an ear infection.
No matter how much I scrub their little adorable faces I can’t clean the bruises off or the poor bags from under their eyes from not feeling well 😦
4 may have strep again and is on a waiting list to have her tonsils removed. That is horrifyingly scary for this mommy. Why do I want to put her through a surgery? Have her stay overnight in the hospital and then have a two week recovery? Blah. No more strep. A decision that makes me so sad. God gave us tonsils for a reason right? The doctor just smiled at me when I asked him that. Anyways tomorrow I call to begin the process for the surgery whatever that may entail and will probably take a few months.
On top of that the kids have been fighting like cats and dogs…seriously 6 yells so much and they have all become defiant. They have decided that now is a good time to test mommy again and see if she will really stand her ground. “no” “no” “no”…even baby…”NAAAWWWW” arg. I have chased my kids up the bunk bed, under the bed, under the tables and behind the toilets this week…yes they will not win!
But to be totally honest basically any mom confidence I had is pretty much gone. I feel utterly defeated.
He hasn’t called in weeks. That still makes me want to barf. Will it ever stop? He is now just part of our conversations…daddy used to do this, we used to do this…he’s a memory. And I’m happy to say he’s a happy memory for the most part.
We still struggle with separation at times, emotional outbursts when certain grandparents Skype or call and some conversations of sorting things in our heads. 4 is still not convinced that we are staying in this home for a long time. She is ready to move again, I am just constantly reassuring her that this is our home for a long time now. Boy keeps asking to go home too. I’m not sure where home is for him. 😦
I’ll be completely honest. As you’ve probably noticed with my low and downbeat blogs lately, I’ve been really struggling on the inside. Motivation and focus is gone. Self-esteem is out the window and my eating and exercise habits are very unhealthy. I’ve never been so unhealthy in my entire life and hope that I never get to this place again.
Now just to step over this hurdle of an emotional mess so I can start desiring to take care of myself again.
I was asked to speak at church today. I thought that was kind of a joke. I am in no way suited for the task…on my own, but I gave it to God and I know He can use me even if I’m broken. He choses the broken and weak 1 Corinthians 1:27. He can use me as I am, broken and imperfect.
So I stood in front of the church today. Said “God use me for such a time as this. I can’t do this on my own, speak through me” and we had a great service. And I trust that at least one life was changed today.
God can use you where you are. He can use you in the midst of your series of unfortunate events. He can use you in your own personal struggles. He is a God of the impossible. Trust Him.