Have you have gotten in the shower and just started crying? The kind that crunches your belly up and comes from the gut, yet you try to silence it so no one can hear you?
That is my only safe place to cry in the calm of the night when everyone is fast asleep. Sometimes you just need to cry.
Hoping the tears will wash away some of the pain, the grossness, the despair on the inside of you.
Wondering what the problem is. Why do you feel so broken. So unable to function like a regular human being? So inadequate, so incapable. Why are you broken?
Then you realize as you have yourself seated at the bottom of the tub with the shower running over your head still trying to wash it all away because you are tired of feeling like dirt from all the feelings of incompetence that it all may just be rooted in the fact that you hate yourself.
Where did that come from? You never thought of that before, but when you begin to think about it seriously, you hate yourself. You look at your thighs, your rolling striped belly and you hate yourself. For who you have become. For letting all these reckless emotions and mind games reek havoc on your mind, emotions and in turn body. You hate yourself. You should not have let it get this far. The inability to function at full capacity. The inability to raise your children the way you dreamed of raising them (even without a husband). The failure you have been at not reaching your parenting goals. Your fitness goals, your financial goals, your personal goals, your dreams, your visions…your parenting…your offspring are being let down tremendously. You aren’t there mentally for them like you should be. You are struggling to get through the day, moment to moment and they are being pushed to the side, being put in second place because you can’t seem to find anything to put first place so everything goes there…basically making you first place…you aren’t satisfied so that urge to eat comes over the child asking for attention. The need to sit for a moment comes before you child’s need to eat. The need to check your Facebook or texts or emails comes over your child’s need for supervision doing their chores and your parenting dreams and goals and standards slowly slip down the slide until you hate yourself for not being the parent you want to be.
This realization of the root of your brokenness has to be the start of something. It’s a lightbulb goes off in your head. Maybe finding the root and really seeing it, not just knowing it’s there but seeing it will let you begin to pull at that root and eventually snip some of it away and then remove it. Replacing it with something healthy and good for you.
You lift your heavy body out of the tub and as you step out you remember that there is someone out there in the world that has experienced greater pain than you. There is someone out there that is hurting more than you right now. You aren’t the only one and your pain isn’t so bad. Someone has it worse. It’s going to be ok.